New Journeys????

Well, this post is sure to get people disagreeing, but since I enjoy a good debate, here it goes anyway. :)

I have begun a new journey of sorts; I am sure people will have opinions about it-but with all due respect it doesn't really matter. I am under the advisement of several professionals and have the full support of my husband. That is what matters.

So, that said, I am on the journey to prepare for bariatric surgery, as in gastric bypass. No date has been set, and there are still many appointments to get through; but that said, I am on the journey towards it. I have had four appointments already in preparation for this surgery, not including lab work and PCM visits. I have had an endoscopy, visited the head of bariatrics at Ft.Carson, and have been to the Wellness Center. I still have to go though a psychiatric evaluation, dietician appointments, support groups, and more.

I have been through the weight loss game for quite literally as long as I can remember. I have tried every diet there is, it seems. Weight Watchers, HCG, low carb, working out, RX diet pills, over the counter diet pills, slim fast... The doctor could not believe that at my age I had been through so many diets. The first time I actively remember "dieting" was around Kindergarten. Obesity runs in my family. My biological father died in his early 40's from heart problems. My mother died young as well. There is diabetes, angina, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and more in my family. I want to change things for the next generation. I want to know what it feels like to run with my kids and it not feel like a chore. I want to go on a run with my husband and enjoy it. I want to hike. I want to live.

So there it is. It's been a "secret" of sorts for a few months.I decided today, there is no reason for secrets. This is where I am in my journey. I have peace about it.

New Journeys. New Beginnings.

Love, Loss and a few (more than a few) Tears

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Since about month 3 of the deployment, to be exact. I thought I was weary then; psssh what did I know. Today, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions. Up, down, tears, anger and everything in between.

I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. Yes, Tim called. Yes, he's delayed (not exactly a big surprise in the world of the Army) But that isn't quite it. It took me a little while to put my finger on it. Today should have been my graduation day. Tomorrow is my first mothers day after having lost my mother. I am feeling loss over both. At the end of this deployment, I was supposed to be walking the stage in Lynchburg, VA at Liberty University. And, here I sit...one year later, with no degree. I feel like I should have pressed on. Made it work. Powered through. And, so I am watching all the graduation excitement online, and just feeling disappointed in myself. Mother's Day with your husband gone is something you get used to in military life. This Mother's Day is a tough one. I hadn't spoken to my mom much in a couple of years before her passing and hadn't seen her in 2 years. But, she was always there. There was always chance, hope for something to change. For reconciliation. Today, she is with her Savior. She is no longer in pain. She is reconciled unto Christ. But today, I sit and ponder what would it be like if I could call her and tell her Happy Mother's Day. Would I have done things differently? Who knows? What ifs don't get anyone anywhere and neither does regret. That said, today my heart is burdened with sadness. I lost my mom. I didn't complete what I set out to. Tim is on his way home soon; and I am not sure what I have to show for the deployment--other than just trying to hold it together.

Today is a tough day. I think we all have them. I am ready for a new beginning.