Prevailing Peace

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.

This morning, I woke flooded with the peace of God. As I sit here and catch a quiet moment while waffles and yogurt fill the mouths of my precious children, I drink my coffee, and want to praise God for this peace.

Though the military may not have always been my "choice" of lives to live (surely there is an image of a white picket fence somewhere), I am so aware that this life is my calling. It is my husband's calling, and it is my children's calling. When Tim and I met some 8 years ago, he planned to stay in the Army just long enough to procure his mustang, and of course, I intended to stay in Korea just long enough to get over a past boyfriend. God had much better plans for us; despite our short-sightedness. I found Christ, fell in love with my husband, and the two of us embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. Our plans never did come to pass, but the Lord's purpose certainly has prevailed.

We have been given two beautiful children, more opportunities to minister than we ever deserved, Tim was able to finish his degree in Theology, we have entered into fabulous friendships that have sustained the years and miles between us...more than we could have ever planned. I'm so thankful that our Father's purpose prevailed over ours.

And, today, as I watch my children running up and down the hallway of our apartment, giggling with joy, I realize that though military life may be hard, and may not be what I had planned for my children, God's purpose prevails. They were meant to be Army brats, for lack of a better phrase. And, because of this life, they will likely be resilient, cultured, adaptable children. The Lord's purpose prevails, and brings me peace that surpasses all understanding, even in the face of babies that miss their daddy. We, have the promise that God's plans will prevail.

Blessings Everyone!

Prayer

Since this is a blog, and I view it as kind of a diary, I will be honest here...I have long struggled with prayer. I intellectually understand the concept, I can pray for people's needs, I know that our intimacy with Christ is woven into the back and forth conversation of prayer and I know that it is absolutely imperative to my Christian walk.

Why then the struggle? Why is it so hard to communicate with such a loving God, that died for me, and whose Spirit lives within me? I am a very concrete person. To a fault, almost. I like things that are tangible, easily explained and visible. Though the presence of Christ is tangible in the life of a believer and even in the world around us, sometimes I long to see Him. Really see Him. To sit across the table and have a cup of coffee. (Imagine...it seems blasphemous even to approach Jesus in such a way; but nonetheless, to approach Him that readily.) It seems so much easier to pick up the phone and call my husband and explain my trials to him, to text a friend with my frustration. I sit here and wonder, why do I not reach out to the One closest to me? Surely, as we prepare for this deployment, no One will be closer that Christ. His Spirit resides within me and while I may not get a phone call from my husband for a day, or week, or please Lord not longer, I need not pick up a phone at all to reach my Savior, my Father. I am not only Tim's bride; I am Christ's bride. It is my desperate prayer, that in this season of our lives, that I call out to my first Love, Christ when my heart is hurting, when I miss my husband, when the idea of one more day away seems impossible, when it seems easier to eat the pain away than pray, when it seems more fun to shop and irresponsibly spend than deal with deployment. Lord, I cry out for more of a desire for You. To know You more; to be in constant conversation with You, to rely on You that I may serve my husband and children through You.

Lord, may a deep abiding sense of peace transcend this home, even though Daddy is gone, because we are on our knees in prayer, seeking Your face every moment of every day. More than any other "goal," Lord, this is my desire. I so desire for my children who miss their daddy so much even on day 1, to be able to call out to their Heavenly Father for love, peace and care. Lord, be in our family so much during this time, that we turn no other direction but heavenward when we feel angry, distant, lonely, sad, frustrated, etc...

I KNOW God is going to teach me so much about being on my knees, on my face in prayer during this time.

More than Conquerors

Yesterday was a tough day. I struggled with wanting control over all aspects of my life, particularly the Army, which as we all know is a fruitless endeavor. I prayed, I cried out and I wrestled with God yesterday. Why is this the path he chose for me? A military wife? Didn't he know that I was out at the peace rallies when the war started? How very young, naive and uninformed I was, by the way. Didn't he know I was raised in a very liberal home? How did I end up in this life?

Yet, here I am, and He promises that we are more than conquerors through Christ. That my friend is what I was missing yesterday. Through Christ, not on my own strength, am I able to conquer whatever the world throws at me, including deployments, family issues, etc...

So very thankful that Jesus willingly offers His strength; as long as I am willing to set aside my pride and humbly ask for His.

Today, I am Tired.

Today, friends, I am exhausted. Not physically. Just tired of the day in and day outs. Now, bear with me...I realize that I am so very blessed (beyond what I deserve because of God's grace.) I am just admitting I am desperate for Him, because all of this would be insurmountable without Him. It's brutal honesty...and, just where I am at today. Do you ever have a day where you feel so tired and long for the return of Christ? Today, I am there.

I am tired of baking for my kids and they won't eat it.
I am tired of watching the SAME kids movies a hundred times a day.
I am tired of Veggie Tales CD's.
I am tired of trying to go to the bathroom or take a shower and not being able to do it alone.
I am tired of picking up the same toys 9 million times a day.
I am tired of the Army telling me that they still don't know when my husband leaves for training even though it could be less than 9 days away.
I am tired of people asking me when Tim deploys and where he is going. I have no idea. Who knows when we will know?
I am tired of this winter and all the sickness.
I am tired of car repairs.
I am tired of trying to balance the checkbook.
I am tired of cleaning out the guinea pig cage and having to do it again 5 minutes later.
I am tired of not feeling good enough at anything.
I am tired of feeling not qualified for work because I do not have a bachelor's degree.
I am tired of fighting my weight battle.
I am tired of starting something (IE: couch to 5K) and then someone getting sick.
I am tired of starting something and putting my life into it (IE: The FRG) and then getting moved to a new Company.
I am tired of having to go to the ER because Tricare won't pay for Urgent Care without a referral.
I am tired of not knowing when my husband will be home from work.
I am tired of waking up in the morning to demands for milk and breakfast before I can even get a diaper changed.
I am tired of not bringing an income home.

I am tired of feeling like if I want my husband in a safe job, that isn't supporting the Army Mission.
I am tired of pretending like I have it all together.
I am tired of having family drama, breaks in relationships, gossip, etc...
I am tired.

I am so so tired, Lord. I need some refreshing. Please Lord, send me Your peace.

New Year, New me?

As I begin this blog post, I ask myself, as I do each time I blog, if anyone really wants to read this. I'm not sure if I hope that people read it or not. I suppose, I pray that if it is read, that it will lead people more and more to God, because each day, I realize how much I must depend on Him.

This year, 2011, should prove to be the most interesting of our lives thus far. Deployment is looming, and we are in full force preparation mode. Tim's filming video messages for the kids for holidays, first day of school, etc... I am trying to plan a Bible Study for the wives of our Battalion to help us prepare. Town Hall meetings, FRG meetings, Spiritual Resiliency, POA's, SRP, Wills, SGLI are among the many things on my mind right now. Of course, as usual, I am hoping for dates. Good, hard, solid dates that will tells us when the leave and when they come home. (Have I learned nothing as a military wife? lol.)

At any rate, in preparation for this year, and this deployment, God has so clearly led me to back off from school. Not a move I totally understood, or understand, as I know that finishing my education is important, but nonetheless, I knew absolutely it had to be done. God so desires for our family to carve out time to love each other, learn about being a better family, and heal from past wounds. I know that every time Tim has left in the past, my wounds from childhood (and adulthood) resurface in many ways. The insecurities take over, the what if's plague my mind, and I don't remember the pit from which God pulled me and saved me.

God has directed me that this is His time to work on me. It's time to do some healing. Time for some counseling, which believe me was terrifying the first week. I bit all of my nails off. The thought of letting someone know that I do not have it all together is very scary for me, but God is breaking down the walls in my heart, and asking to be let in to each place, those that are the darkest, the most hurting, the most desperate. He is leading me to healing. I can feel it. It's time for a refresher in parenting. (Thanks to Cheryl for leading our group.) It's time for a refresher in marriage. (Loving our Real Life Marriage Class!) It's time to date my husband again, not just for the sake of saying we do it, but to really cherish and treasure each moment we have together.

I have great expectations for this year. For once, they aren't based on external goals. I expect healing from My Savior. And, I know He is going to bring me through this process.

The Word makes me realize I am forever a work in progress

Good morning friends. It has again been some time since I written in this blog, but I was waiting for something truly important to say, I suppose. As I sat in our Sunday School class (called an MBC @ our church) a few weeks ago, our leader was discussing how we all know we must be in prayer and we must be in God's Word to be connected to Him; to know Him. But, as he so bluntly put it, "Are we?" Yes, we all know that the only way to know God, to understand Him (even in our limited humanity) to grasp His will is to read His Word. Why so often then, do we find ourselves struggling to commit to daily (or more than daily) reading?

I have struggled with this often. When I was a new believer, just about 7 years ago, the Word seemed alive to me. There weren't enough Bible Studies I could join, or discussions to get into. I couldn't wait to dive in and see what God had for me. Lately, I have struggled greatly with my devotional life, to use a good ole Christian-ese saying; in plain English...My Bible was going to church with me, to Bible Study with me and that was it. It didn't see the light of day at all during the week. Now, I will admit that this is an embarrassing fact to admit for a woman who "prides" herself on listening to Christian music, reading the Bible to her kids, and owning every Veggie Tales movie out there to ensure the kids are getting "good" entertainment.

Lately, I have been unable to sleep. Today, I finally feel like I got some clarity on why. God has been stirring me. He desires me. He wants me to know Him. I need Him desperately, and in the busyness of my days, I have been ignoring Him. The only way to reach me, I suppose was to awaken me in my sleep. I have been ignoring this for several weeks now, to the point where I was considering asking my doctor for sleeping pills. Oh, the Great Physician has revealed to me that my rest is in Him, and that my peace is in Him. I cannot rely on man's knowledge or wisdom, but His alone. I am so very thankful that HE got through to me, as hard headed as I am, this was no easy task, I am sure.

God's Word is rich, deep, amazing and instructional. It is useful for every day. I realized how very practical God is in my reading today. As a woman struggling through weight loss, my reading today (I am using a reading plan) was about intense craving and giving into it. (Numbers 11). I realize my ultimate craving must be for GOD. Weight Loss, Parenting, School, the FRG and all other things hinge completely on my desire for God and my quest to know Him more, and to prayerfully become more like Him.

If you have been struggling to read His Word, to know His will...know that His mercies are new each day. Pick up and start again. I pray that this note will encourage you to get into His Word, not to pride yourself on Christian activity, but to simply and humbly admit that we are but the clay, He is the Potter and we are in progress.

Blessings,
Alicia

More than halfway through 2010

I realized today (strangely) that it has been eight months since I began this blog, and I have only posted to it once. Life seems to take over, doesn't it? I must admit that since moving to Colorado Springs my life has taken many turns, most for the good, and it has been an ever changing road. A few months ago, I thought I had it all (mostly) figured out. On the road to weight loss, going to cut back on classes, homeschool the kids, church to be involved in. I felt~comfortable with that. The last few months have been nothing short of tumultuous, not necessarily in a bad way, but have certainly been pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I suppose at this point it sound like I am rambling, so let me recap a bit from my last post. I took 12 credits in the spring semester, and am on track to take 12 more this fall. (So much for 48 credits. I was losing my marbles.) In fact, until  just a few weeks ago, I only intended to take 6 credit hours for the fall. Finding out that I have $ I must use before the end of the year or lose it caused me to re-evaluate. And, so here I am again, back at full time status.

As for homeschooling, well that has been an interesting journey as well. I'm almost afraid to admit all of this, but here it goes...I have always wanted to homeschool the kids, and wondered if I had what it takes, but the faster it approaches, the more nervous I got about it. Cut to last week when Timmy was starting to understand that homeschool means not getting to go to "his" school with his friends. He informed me, rather bluntly, that mommy was not a good teacher, but his teachers were. In all honestly, I know that a 4 year old cannot truly understand that, but it stirred something that was already inside of me, causing me to question my decision. I truly wondered if my homeschooling Timmy was a reflection of my own desire, and not necessarily the best choice for my little man. I think it also cut to the core of my fear of parenting inadequecy. That is surely my biggest fear. I thought if I could homeschool, it would prove something about my ability to be a good mother. As I discussed it with Tim, my Aunt, and my best friend, it became clear that they ALL felt the same...Timmy was better off in Pre-K a couple of days a week, and homeschooling with me 1 or 2 days a week. The combo of both would suit his personality and probably mine better. So, as of today, he is re-enrolled for the 2 day program, not 3. He is ecstatic beyond words. I don't know if this makes me a lesser mother or not for not homeschooling, it is just my prayer that this is the best decision for him.

Now, as it pertains to church, this too has been a bumpy road. The kids and I started attending WVC back in October of last year. We started to get comfortable, and were set to begin all of our activities again with church this fall. (Moms and Beyond, AWANA cubbies, etc...) I took the membership class long ago, but did not sign us up as members because I felt without my husbands input, it would be inappropriate. We have all been attending since Tim has been with us as well. Truly, the pastor is fantastic. He is a wonderful teacher. The worship is amazing and so well done. The work that Woodmen Valley does in our community and around the world is astonishing. It is truly centered on Christ's love reaching out to a hurting world. Why, then the bumpy ride? It sounds quite perfect, doesn't it? And, really it is. But, these last few months have been a tough few in my walk with Christ. I have struggled to see the grace and love of Christ in His body, including myself. I am not exempt. I have grappled with some situations in my life and wondered how and why God would allow them or use them in my life. In particular, my struggle with depression is one I could not understand in light of my relationship with Christ. I was beginning to think that perhaps I did not have any real faith at all if I could not be healed from this illness that was stealing the joy out of my marriage and parenting. Frankly, I was sort of angry with God. WVC was offering fabulous teaching, but I was missing the personal touch of a small church. Since becoming a Christian, I have almost always been in a small church or chapel, and my heart was aching for it. But, I was comfortable; it was easier to keep going to this amazing church, than find another, smaller one, perhaps with imperfections, that would meet the needs of my heart and walk alongside me as I grappled with these difficult issues in my faith walk. Soon after feeling this, my husband approached me with the same concerns. His heart was aching for that small community as well. I must admit, I sort of bucked at his request to start looking at churches again. Like I said, I was comfortable, and well, he isn't here much anyway. But, I supposed in a way, I was supposed to submit to his spiritual authority :) (Okay so my attitude wasn't the greatest at the time.) So, we embarked on a journey toward finding a new church. And, then he left again. The Army sure makes things complicated. I found a church I loved, but, was really in fear that Tim wouldn't like it, and I would have to start all over again. God in His wisdom brought us to Pikes Peak Christian Church, not too small, not too big, lots of military families and spoke to each of our hearts. It doesn't have the presence of WVC, but it is right where God wants us. And where I hope to really flesh out these questions of faith I have been facing.

I suppose if I posted to this blog a little more I wouldn't have to write quite so much, but it sort of felt like a lot has changed in these past few weeks, and I haven't really known how to say it or whether I should or not...

At any rate, thats where I am, on the road to 30, plans changing all the time, and never quite comfortable. I suppose God doesn't want me too comfortable anyway.