Sort of Stuck

Friends,
What a weird time this is. Caught between the joy of having my husband still here, and waiting for new normal to begin. Where did I learn such a ridiculous term anyway~ "new normal " as if a year away from my husband will be normal. 

I will say God is teaching me so much right now though. Through the deepest darkest moments, He is there and He is faithful. Though I feel stuck, waiting for this new season, I am trying to embrace what our current normal is. Be that tears, making videos for the kids, wondering what the next year will be like... Our current normal (to quote an old commander) "is what it is " and we accept it. Because God has ordained it. I may fight. I may wrestle. I may try to wriggle myself out of the pain of where we are. But, God, in His mighty patience, looks at me and says, My child, you are here in this moment, because I have chosen it for you.

Today, I am embracing sort of stuck. And praising God for it.

Dirty Little Mistress...It's not what you Think

I feel like there is a mistress living in my home. Her bags are scattered all over the floor. Her very presence has changed the uniform my husband wears each day. Her presence hangs over each moment, wondering if she will steal the joy from it. She makes me cry; which I do not like. She makes me mourn for the time my children will lose with their father because of her. She makes me wonder if the time I spend with my husband is precious enough to compete with the time she will have him for. That mistress, she makes me look at my husband differently. She makes me wonder if he will be different because he knew her. She has invaded my home. That dirty little mistress...she takes my husband away from me. Because of her, things will never quite be the same. 

And, yet...we know, that she is a part of our life; necessary at that. And we embrace her to the extent we can. She is part of our journey. 

That dirty little mistress of deployment...she will change us; but we will be stronger because of her.

Renew my mind Lord

They say no news is good news. Today I have to agree. They say things change in the Army and even when its in writing, it is subject to change. Well, no kidding. Looks like dates are moving around for us; not that anything is official yet. As much as I've been ready for this deployment to start for the countdown to homecoming to begin...my reaction to an earlier deployment date surprised me. I cried. Like a baby. And called my Grammy. Seems I can't find my big girl panties to put on~If anyone finds mine, let me know. I could use them. :) 

I am praying. Praying that God holds my emotions steady. That Tim knows that we are gonna be a-ok no matter if he leaves early or not. We are strong because HE is strong. I am praying that God gives me the words to properly and age appropriately discuss this with my kids. I am praying for God's mind about all of this. For mine is worldly, I ask that my mind be renewed~that bitterness or anger not take root, but rather thankfulness that God's plan is what is accomplished. God is bigger than the Army. He ordains times, seasons, etc... I am clinging to that. 

My emotions are a little all over right now~but God is quieting my spirit as I reflect on the TRUTH of His word. 

Thank you Jesus for being in my life. I quite literally do not know what I would do without YOU as the center.

Really?

It seems as if its been ages since I wrote. There have been many days where I have wanted to blog and let it all out; there just hasn't been time. Or I couldn't quite get my thoughts in order. 

These last several weeks have been at times wonderful, at times anxiety inducing, at times devastating and have at times left me on my knees crying out to God wondering why this is the life and path He has chosen for me. A roller coaster to say the least. To be honest, I'm still in this season. Each day has its ups and downs. I keep reminding myself how very normal that is right now. The deployment comes closer and closer, emotions are running high. 

What is on my mind most right now though is this verse:   2 Timothy 3:12
Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. What a verse. Do you ever just say to God, "really?" I have a lot lately. This is my blog, so here I am more honest than I am in other forums. This week I hit the pinnacle of asking God "really." As the words came out of my mouth, "Are you kidding me God? Have I really spent block leave ministering to people, organizing meals, praying for people, pet-sitting, baby-sitting... and this is how you repay me?" Really God?" I realized how off my focus was. Yes, I was receiving unfair criticism, attack on my character, and harsh words. And, I was angry. Really angry. This was MY 2 weeks with MY husband. Don't You know he's deploying too God? However, Paul specifically tells Timothy that ALL who desire to live godly...will suffer persecution. One of those verses that's not so often quoted. We like the John 3:16's of the Bible. The 2 Timothy 3:12's...not so much. And, so I questioned God. Really God? Why are You allowing this? Why is this happening? Do I just walk away from this ministry you have gifted me, such an imperfect follower? Do I turn my back on everything I have invested in? God, I'm just going to throw my hands up, throw in the towel, and surrender. 

And, then...God so wisely places people in my life who talk me off the "proverbial ledge" and bring me back to earth. Each in different ways. A husband who vehemently defends my honor and character, a friend who tells me she'll beat me just enough to know I made the wrong decision if I walk away, a Chaplain who stands beside me and defends my actions all the way to the top. God has given me some very difficult obstacles to navigate lately in terms of ministry. It seems nothing has been easy. A dear friend enduring a much more difficult time than I right now, said to me you know you're doing things right for God when there is so much opposition. (paraphrased, but that was the gist.) How blessed I am to have godly people who speak the words of God and encouragement to me. I know God is teaching me perseverance. He wants me to stay the course He has planned for me, even in the face of tremendous opposition and trial. He expected nothing less from his disciples, and He expects nothing less of us today. 

It is easy to say that I would put my life on the line for Christ. The apostles did. There is no question that people are martyred all over the world for professing their faith in Christ. However, are we willing to die to self each day? Am I willing to crucify my desire to be seen in a good light? Am I willing to die to my fleshly need for human approval? Am I willing to cast all else aside if God asks me one day for it to be just me and Him. If anything...then Him. Lip service is easy. Living out one's faith everyday, not so much. Lord, I pray that my fleshly desire for human approval would pass away. No number of volunteer hours or certificates I can hang on my wall will compare to hearing my Savior say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 


May this time of asking God really be a time of growth in my life. May I see that He is developing my perseverance, my character and my godliness. No one said this journey with Christ would be easy. We are to take up our cross and follow Him. We are promised persecution. We are told to delight in our trials and tribulations. 


^{1 Peter 4:12-16; The Message}
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. If you're abused because of Christ, count yourself fortunate. It's the Spirit of God and his glory in you that brought you to the notice of others. If they're on you because you broke the law or disturbed the peace, that's a different matter. But if it's because you're a Christian, don't give it a second thought. Be proud of the distinguished status reflected in that name!

Do not be anxious about most things...or everything?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Today, as I led our small Tour of Duty group, I had a knot in my stomach and I just couldn't get my hands to stop shaking. Anxiety was ruling my flesh. And, despite the fact that I sat in front of a room of women explaining how the God given detours of our lives were a blessing, I could not shake the anxiety. On the way home, I must have repeated to myself about 20 times, "Be anxious for nothing...." I knew this was what God wanted for me. Anxiety isn't of Him. It is of our enemy. Yet, still I couldn't shake it. I started to think, "God, You must not understand what life down here is like. To be anxious for nothing. Surely, He couldn't know what strained relationships were like. What it is like to be married to the military." How very naive and short sighted of me.

Hebrews 4:15 says: "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. ..." He's been there. He lived it. Strained relationships...I'm thinking God gets that better than anyone else. His chosen people walked away from Him time after time, no matter how often He showed His mercy, power and faithfulness. And, then, He sends His Son, the Redeemer for all mankind. And, he is questioned, persecuted and eventually crucified. Yet, as Jesus hung on the cross, He cried out for those who were to be His executors to be forgiven, for they knew not what they were doing. Strained relationships...yeah I think He gets it. He chose to take on skin and humanity so He would get it. So we would always have a Savior to run to and to cling to, who has "been there" and "done that", but done it without sin. As for being married to the military...with all the ups, downs and detours that brings, well God gets that too. He experienced His very creation choosing knowledge over Him. He watched His people build altars to false gods. He sent His own Son to earth, knowing what would happen. As we watch our men deploy, we can rest assured that God knows what it means to let someone go. I am so thankful that my Jesus is one who "gets me." And when Paul records the words "Do not be anxious for anything..." they are the very words of the Father who well knows my anxieties, but asks me instead to cast them on Him, to pray, to petition and to be thankful.

Therefore, as much as my flesh is warring against my spirit, and wants to succumb to the anxiety, I choose instead to be anxious for nothing, and to run to Him, petitioning Him for peace, for the ability to forgive, for more faith, more love....to become more like His Son.

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.(The Message, Phil 4:6-7)

Suprisingly Blessed

Today I am in awe of how very blessed I am. Though this is an emotional time, I am so keenly aware of God's presence. He is orchestrating everything in our lives right now, from His invisible realm. He is bringing new relationships, strengthening existing ones, convicting me of sin, and transforming me. At times, it is painful. He is constantly reminding me of my need to depend on Him and remove my pride. But, God is so clearly using this season of our lives to mold us. I know much is ahead of us, but to feel Him so present, right here among our family is a surprising blessing.

I pray that all my friends facing this deployment are feeling the presence of Christ in their homes...and seeking Him with all they have. He is faithful. We need to just seek.

Dear Deployment

Dear Deployment,

This has surely got to be the most bizarre season of my life so far. (And, I'm sure once you actually arrive, things will get more bizarre.) My days are filled with appointments, to do lists of things that I'm not even sure really need to get done, appointments, worrying about hooking up home phones, wills, Powers of Attorneys, meetings and so much more. There is not one empty day on my calendar for the next month. Deployment, you are not even here yet, and I have grown tired of hearing about you. There are times I wish you would just come now, so you could be done with quicker, but I realize my timeline is neither the Army's or God's. 

Deployment, days go by that I have no sad feelings about you at all. Self protection I've heard is why. There are days when I feel assured that because we have a will, it will never be used. Some sort of bet with fate I suppose I am making about you, deployment. Then there are the what if days. What if you change our lives forever deployment? What if you change my husband? my kids? me? What if life as I know it is never the same because of you? Those days, I get pretty angry at you deployment. Today was one of the first days I was really sad about you, deployment. Today I looked at my husband and realized that you get him for a whole year instead of me. He won't wake up at home because of you. He will miss Timmy's first day of kindergarten because of you. He will miss holidays because of you. Deployment, you are making me awfully sad today. You see, Tim is my best friend in the whole world~ I don't want to give him to you.

And, then...I remember that I do not give my husband over to the Army or to a deployment. I give him back to God. God so graciously blessed me with this man, and now He is calling me to really trust Him with the life and well being of my husband in a way I haven't had to before. He is also calling me to trust Him with my life-every last inch of it. My prince charming can't run to my rescue when things go wrong, but my Prince of Peace will be there to calm each and every fear. While Tim's arms cannot reach me from Afghanistan, the Comforter will be there to wrap around my spirit. I don't anticipate any of this to be easy~I don't expect it to turn out perfectly. I do expect to place the lives of the four of us in this family firmly in the hands of God, and trust Him with the outcome, whatever it may be. 

Deployment, I need not focus my eyes on you. I need to focus my eyes on He who will sustain us all. And, for the hope, grace, mercy and love of God, I am more thankful than I can even express.