15 November 2010

The Word makes me realize I am forever a work in progress

Good morning friends. It has again been some time since I written in this blog, but I was waiting for something truly important to say, I suppose. As I sat in our Sunday School class (called an MBC @ our church) a few weeks ago, our leader was discussing how we all know we must be in prayer and we must be in God's Word to be connected to Him; to know Him. But, as he so bluntly put it, "Are we?" Yes, we all know that the only way to know God, to understand Him (even in our limited humanity) to grasp His will is to read His Word. Why so often then, do we find ourselves struggling to commit to daily (or more than daily) reading?

I have struggled with this often. When I was a new believer, just about 7 years ago, the Word seemed alive to me. There weren't enough Bible Studies I could join, or discussions to get into. I couldn't wait to dive in and see what God had for me. Lately, I have struggled greatly with my devotional life, to use a good ole Christian-ese saying; in plain English...My Bible was going to church with me, to Bible Study with me and that was it. It didn't see the light of day at all during the week. Now, I will admit that this is an embarrassing fact to admit for a woman who "prides" herself on listening to Christian music, reading the Bible to her kids, and owning every Veggie Tales movie out there to ensure the kids are getting "good" entertainment.

Lately, I have been unable to sleep. Today, I finally feel like I got some clarity on why. God has been stirring me. He desires me. He wants me to know Him. I need Him desperately, and in the busyness of my days, I have been ignoring Him. The only way to reach me, I suppose was to awaken me in my sleep. I have been ignoring this for several weeks now, to the point where I was considering asking my doctor for sleeping pills. Oh, the Great Physician has revealed to me that my rest is in Him, and that my peace is in Him. I cannot rely on man's knowledge or wisdom, but His alone. I am so very thankful that HE got through to me, as hard headed as I am, this was no easy task, I am sure.

God's Word is rich, deep, amazing and instructional. It is useful for every day. I realized how very practical God is in my reading today. As a woman struggling through weight loss, my reading today (I am using a reading plan) was about intense craving and giving into it. (Numbers 11). I realize my ultimate craving must be for GOD. Weight Loss, Parenting, School, the FRG and all other things hinge completely on my desire for God and my quest to know Him more, and to prayerfully become more like Him.

If you have been struggling to read His Word, to know His will...know that His mercies are new each day. Pick up and start again. I pray that this note will encourage you to get into His Word, not to pride yourself on Christian activity, but to simply and humbly admit that we are but the clay, He is the Potter and we are in progress.

Blessings,
Alicia

23 August 2010

More than halfway through 2010

I realized today (strangely) that it has been eight months since I began this blog, and I have only posted to it once. Life seems to take over, doesn't it? I must admit that since moving to Colorado Springs my life has taken many turns, most for the good, and it has been an ever changing road. A few months ago, I thought I had it all (mostly) figured out. On the road to weight loss, going to cut back on classes, homeschool the kids, church to be involved in. I felt~comfortable with that. The last few months have been nothing short of tumultuous, not necessarily in a bad way, but have certainly been pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I suppose at this point it sound like I am rambling, so let me recap a bit from my last post. I took 12 credits in the spring semester, and am on track to take 12 more this fall. (So much for 48 credits. I was losing my marbles.) In fact, until  just a few weeks ago, I only intended to take 6 credit hours for the fall. Finding out that I have $ I must use before the end of the year or lose it caused me to re-evaluate. And, so here I am again, back at full time status.

As for homeschooling, well that has been an interesting journey as well. I'm almost afraid to admit all of this, but here it goes...I have always wanted to homeschool the kids, and wondered if I had what it takes, but the faster it approaches, the more nervous I got about it. Cut to last week when Timmy was starting to understand that homeschool means not getting to go to "his" school with his friends. He informed me, rather bluntly, that mommy was not a good teacher, but his teachers were. In all honestly, I know that a 4 year old cannot truly understand that, but it stirred something that was already inside of me, causing me to question my decision. I truly wondered if my homeschooling Timmy was a reflection of my own desire, and not necessarily the best choice for my little man. I think it also cut to the core of my fear of parenting inadequecy. That is surely my biggest fear. I thought if I could homeschool, it would prove something about my ability to be a good mother. As I discussed it with Tim, my Aunt, and my best friend, it became clear that they ALL felt the same...Timmy was better off in Pre-K a couple of days a week, and homeschooling with me 1 or 2 days a week. The combo of both would suit his personality and probably mine better. So, as of today, he is re-enrolled for the 2 day program, not 3. He is ecstatic beyond words. I don't know if this makes me a lesser mother or not for not homeschooling, it is just my prayer that this is the best decision for him.

Now, as it pertains to church, this too has been a bumpy road. The kids and I started attending WVC back in October of last year. We started to get comfortable, and were set to begin all of our activities again with church this fall. (Moms and Beyond, AWANA cubbies, etc...) I took the membership class long ago, but did not sign us up as members because I felt without my husbands input, it would be inappropriate. We have all been attending since Tim has been with us as well. Truly, the pastor is fantastic. He is a wonderful teacher. The worship is amazing and so well done. The work that Woodmen Valley does in our community and around the world is astonishing. It is truly centered on Christ's love reaching out to a hurting world. Why, then the bumpy ride? It sounds quite perfect, doesn't it? And, really it is. But, these last few months have been a tough few in my walk with Christ. I have struggled to see the grace and love of Christ in His body, including myself. I am not exempt. I have grappled with some situations in my life and wondered how and why God would allow them or use them in my life. In particular, my struggle with depression is one I could not understand in light of my relationship with Christ. I was beginning to think that perhaps I did not have any real faith at all if I could not be healed from this illness that was stealing the joy out of my marriage and parenting. Frankly, I was sort of angry with God. WVC was offering fabulous teaching, but I was missing the personal touch of a small church. Since becoming a Christian, I have almost always been in a small church or chapel, and my heart was aching for it. But, I was comfortable; it was easier to keep going to this amazing church, than find another, smaller one, perhaps with imperfections, that would meet the needs of my heart and walk alongside me as I grappled with these difficult issues in my faith walk. Soon after feeling this, my husband approached me with the same concerns. His heart was aching for that small community as well. I must admit, I sort of bucked at his request to start looking at churches again. Like I said, I was comfortable, and well, he isn't here much anyway. But, I supposed in a way, I was supposed to submit to his spiritual authority :) (Okay so my attitude wasn't the greatest at the time.) So, we embarked on a journey toward finding a new church. And, then he left again. The Army sure makes things complicated. I found a church I loved, but, was really in fear that Tim wouldn't like it, and I would have to start all over again. God in His wisdom brought us to Pikes Peak Christian Church, not too small, not too big, lots of military families and spoke to each of our hearts. It doesn't have the presence of WVC, but it is right where God wants us. And where I hope to really flesh out these questions of faith I have been facing.

I suppose if I posted to this blog a little more I wouldn't have to write quite so much, but it sort of felt like a lot has changed in these past few weeks, and I haven't really known how to say it or whether I should or not...

At any rate, thats where I am, on the road to 30, plans changing all the time, and never quite comfortable. I suppose God doesn't want me too comfortable anyway.

04 January 2010

New Years Resolutions...?

Well, I have often wondered what it would be like to try my hand at blogging. I've read them, heard about famous bloggers, and even watched a movie (Julie and Julia) based on this art form of sorts. I have toyed with the idea, and even created this blog a couple months ago, but didn't post anything yet. It remains to be seen if anyone will actually read it, or if I am just rambling to myself. Either way, I guess I am okay with that. It's sort of like "Dear Diary" for the modern woman...or something like that.

At any rate, as I sit here today, I was about to open a word document and jot down my goals for this year. Resolutions? Except, this year, they don't feel like resolutions. It's not something you can say and then break a couple of days or weeks later. This seems like the real deal. Sort of a do or die moment. (Or as Steven Curtis Chapman says: where the rubber meets the road. That was just for you honey.) So, I thought, many of my girlfriends out there are facing the big 3-0 this year, maybe they'd like to journey along with me.

So, this year, I have decided is the turning point. You see, my biological father and his father both died in their mid forties from heart related problems. I refuse to let that be me.  I'm going to start simple. Add one or two things every 3 weeks or so. (Aunt Sharon says something about 21 days and making habits, so I am going for that.) The day I turn 30, I would rather feel better off than I did this year turning 29. I mean, really I would love to have thousands of dollars in savings, a new body, and no gray hairs (there are more than I would like!) The reality is though, it will be a process, and I have to be in it for the long haul. 30 and beyond.

So, the big goals, here they are:
*Be physically fit (to me this means not having to wear spanx under every dress)
*Run 2 miles without having to stop and nearly die
*Have my skin/hair/nails/teeth looking healthy
*Have read the entire New Testament and the Psalms
*Serve in some capacity in our church or with the military community

*Finish 48 credit hours by the end of the year (yikes!)
*Attend a marriage retreat (w/Tim of course)
*Spend more time with the kiddos individually
*Cultivate a healthy diet for all in our home
*Save more money than I spend
*Have a date night once a month with Tim (would love it to be more often if possible)
*Actually meet these goals without giving up

Is anyone out there with me? Does anyone else have a list of goals they know will be difficult to meet, but just know by the grace of God and by discipline, it can be done?

Hope you want to journey along. My life never promises to be boring for too long!
Leesha