More than halfway through 2010

I realized today (strangely) that it has been eight months since I began this blog, and I have only posted to it once. Life seems to take over, doesn't it? I must admit that since moving to Colorado Springs my life has taken many turns, most for the good, and it has been an ever changing road. A few months ago, I thought I had it all (mostly) figured out. On the road to weight loss, going to cut back on classes, homeschool the kids, church to be involved in. I felt~comfortable with that. The last few months have been nothing short of tumultuous, not necessarily in a bad way, but have certainly been pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I suppose at this point it sound like I am rambling, so let me recap a bit from my last post. I took 12 credits in the spring semester, and am on track to take 12 more this fall. (So much for 48 credits. I was losing my marbles.) In fact, until  just a few weeks ago, I only intended to take 6 credit hours for the fall. Finding out that I have $ I must use before the end of the year or lose it caused me to re-evaluate. And, so here I am again, back at full time status.

As for homeschooling, well that has been an interesting journey as well. I'm almost afraid to admit all of this, but here it goes...I have always wanted to homeschool the kids, and wondered if I had what it takes, but the faster it approaches, the more nervous I got about it. Cut to last week when Timmy was starting to understand that homeschool means not getting to go to "his" school with his friends. He informed me, rather bluntly, that mommy was not a good teacher, but his teachers were. In all honestly, I know that a 4 year old cannot truly understand that, but it stirred something that was already inside of me, causing me to question my decision. I truly wondered if my homeschooling Timmy was a reflection of my own desire, and not necessarily the best choice for my little man. I think it also cut to the core of my fear of parenting inadequecy. That is surely my biggest fear. I thought if I could homeschool, it would prove something about my ability to be a good mother. As I discussed it with Tim, my Aunt, and my best friend, it became clear that they ALL felt the same...Timmy was better off in Pre-K a couple of days a week, and homeschooling with me 1 or 2 days a week. The combo of both would suit his personality and probably mine better. So, as of today, he is re-enrolled for the 2 day program, not 3. He is ecstatic beyond words. I don't know if this makes me a lesser mother or not for not homeschooling, it is just my prayer that this is the best decision for him.

Now, as it pertains to church, this too has been a bumpy road. The kids and I started attending WVC back in October of last year. We started to get comfortable, and were set to begin all of our activities again with church this fall. (Moms and Beyond, AWANA cubbies, etc...) I took the membership class long ago, but did not sign us up as members because I felt without my husbands input, it would be inappropriate. We have all been attending since Tim has been with us as well. Truly, the pastor is fantastic. He is a wonderful teacher. The worship is amazing and so well done. The work that Woodmen Valley does in our community and around the world is astonishing. It is truly centered on Christ's love reaching out to a hurting world. Why, then the bumpy ride? It sounds quite perfect, doesn't it? And, really it is. But, these last few months have been a tough few in my walk with Christ. I have struggled to see the grace and love of Christ in His body, including myself. I am not exempt. I have grappled with some situations in my life and wondered how and why God would allow them or use them in my life. In particular, my struggle with depression is one I could not understand in light of my relationship with Christ. I was beginning to think that perhaps I did not have any real faith at all if I could not be healed from this illness that was stealing the joy out of my marriage and parenting. Frankly, I was sort of angry with God. WVC was offering fabulous teaching, but I was missing the personal touch of a small church. Since becoming a Christian, I have almost always been in a small church or chapel, and my heart was aching for it. But, I was comfortable; it was easier to keep going to this amazing church, than find another, smaller one, perhaps with imperfections, that would meet the needs of my heart and walk alongside me as I grappled with these difficult issues in my faith walk. Soon after feeling this, my husband approached me with the same concerns. His heart was aching for that small community as well. I must admit, I sort of bucked at his request to start looking at churches again. Like I said, I was comfortable, and well, he isn't here much anyway. But, I supposed in a way, I was supposed to submit to his spiritual authority :) (Okay so my attitude wasn't the greatest at the time.) So, we embarked on a journey toward finding a new church. And, then he left again. The Army sure makes things complicated. I found a church I loved, but, was really in fear that Tim wouldn't like it, and I would have to start all over again. God in His wisdom brought us to Pikes Peak Christian Church, not too small, not too big, lots of military families and spoke to each of our hearts. It doesn't have the presence of WVC, but it is right where God wants us. And where I hope to really flesh out these questions of faith I have been facing.

I suppose if I posted to this blog a little more I wouldn't have to write quite so much, but it sort of felt like a lot has changed in these past few weeks, and I haven't really known how to say it or whether I should or not...

At any rate, thats where I am, on the road to 30, plans changing all the time, and never quite comfortable. I suppose God doesn't want me too comfortable anyway.