Can I tell the truth?

Can I be honest? Real?


I really thought this deployment wouldn't be that bad for us. I'm a Bible Study leader, Tim is a worship leader. We have 1 boy, 1 girl...the perfect little life. I thought we were going to not face the problems common to deployments. I figured our communication would be fine. Marriage would be a piece of cake. We are Christians after all.

Three months done and I am exhausted. My daughter is literally on top of me all day. She's in play therapy. My son is gone all day at school, and I feel like I am not so sure I made the right choice on that one. I have to make all sorts of decisions on my own...except they aren't really on my own. I haven't sent enough letters or boxes. I haven't saved enough money. I haven't given Bella what she needs to cope. I bought my son an iTouch for his birthday because the guilt I feel for being a mom who works p/t, goes to school and leads Bible Studies is beyond what I can explain. I am weary. Really weary. I have been fighting for everything lately. With my apartment community, with t-shirt companies, with people who are trying to hinder these Bible Studies from happening. And, here I sit, 11:36 at night...so tired I can't believe I am typing, and wondering what I am fighting for.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man... 1 Cor 10:13


For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Hebrews 4:15

I am clinging for dear life to those verses tonight, as I sit and wonder...am I really effectively doing anything quite right. I am desperate for You, Jesus

Taking a Stand

Sometimes in life, we make choices and take stands that make us un-popular. This is nothing new to me. I have been in that position most of my life, and is much of the reason I do not have a relationship with my mother. 

So, today, here I am, and I am taking a stand. I am standing for our men in uniform who are currently deployed in a war zone. They are tired, sleep deprived, those in office jobs are still working 14 to 16 hours a day, they live in a uniform, shower when they can, and see things we can never understand. My family is approximately 7 weeks into its 1st deployment. I have never been prouder of my Tim. 

Are things perfect? Nope. Is it tough to communicate? Yes. Do I miss him? Of course. Does my heart break for my children? Yes.-- But do I believe in what he does? YES, resounding YES. As my kids say, "the daddies are in 'ghanistan getting the bad guys." Not everyone is willing to do that. Not everyone is willing to sign up in a time of war, to do what our men do. 

This all said, I'm writing today, a completely imperfect woman, completely imperfect wife, completely imperfect mother, and I am already weary of the negativity coming through this deployment. Our guys bust their tushes EVERY SINGLE DAY! They are facing IED's, terrorists, RPG's and more. They are living in weather that I cannot even fathom. And the BEST of the accommodations are not something I would be willing to stay in for more than a weekend.  Yet there they are, of their own choice, training a nations soldiers to take over their own security, 7,000 miles from their families. And, yet, somehow, when they do find the energy and time to call/write/email us ladies back home...should they be worried that we will be upset with their attitude? I should seriously hope not. We're here, and yes, we are working hard, keeping up with houses, cars, taking care of children, some are working, some are in school, some are volunteering ~it is NOT by any means an easy life. However, unless we are living in a tent, sleeping on a cot, watching our friends or co workers get hurt, wondering if when we go out on patrol if everyone we left with will come back...we do not have it that bad. 


It is not good or godly to blast your husband online. Imagine how he feels, signing on to FB to see you rip him apart. Yeah, maybe he was a jerk today. Maybe he had a right to be~ maybe he was on communication blackout and couldn't call or write. (Which by the way means something not so good happened, perhaps instead of being mad about it, we should be thankful that there isn't someone on our doorstop notifying us that the worst happened to us.)  


I don't mean to sound preachy. I am BY NO MEANS perfect. I certainly don't claim to be. I also have a rockin' husband, who I love dearly. Hey, but we have our little issues here and there, that's marriage. when we marry, we are ONE. United. Though many miles may separate us, we are to remain ONE. So, ask yourself, before you say or post something about your husband...are you behaving as though you are one? Are you REALLY trying to understand where he is coming from on this deployment? Do you get that it SUCKS over there? Is your husband always right while he's deployed? Well, probably not. No one is right all the time. But, put it all in context. He is fighting a war.


I feel like this Scripture I am sharing below speaks exactly to this issue: In love, we must place others above ourselves. God placed us above Himself when He allowed His Son to die for us. Let's be willing to be second fiddle for awhile.


^{Romans 12: 9-13 (The Message)} Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle .Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

A Daughter Always

I will always be a daughter, regardless of whether or not I have a mother or a father. I am the daughter of THE Heavenly King.

Dear Mom,

Today will be the last day you will have that title in my mind. I'm sorry to say so, but its true. I thank you for giving me life, for not opting to end your pregnancy when you were young and unmarried. I thank you for caring for me. I thank you for the sacrifices I am sure you had to make as a mother.

That said, today I say good~bye. Well, truth be told, you said good-bye first.

The email you sent me today would have broken me a few years ago...and while my heart hurts, I will not be shaken or moved. I have not been the perfect daughter, in fact, far from it. Who is perfect? Only Jesus, and I am so thankful I know Him. I am sorry for the things in my life that I did wrong. I am sorry for not coming home till 4 am, for forgetting to pay my car insurance in college. I am sorry for all of those things.  

I'm not sure why today was the day you decided to say good-bye to me. I am not sure why you chose to remove me from your medical contacts so that I may not know how your surgery goes. I have been giving you the best I could since Tim left. I know that isn't much. I also know that you would tell me I chose this life, so to buck up and deal. And, I am. You should know that. When I left NY a couple of years ago, I had never been more broken. I'm still healing, but thankful I am in progress.

The things of mine that you have, that's fine. You may throw them away. Things do not define me. Nor do memories, awards, etc... Only Jesus does. Having a mother say good-bye to me will not define me. It will not change who I am. It will not stop me from parenting my kids the best I can, learning to be the best wife I can, and following Jesus as hard as I can. 

I am choosing today to forgive you. I forgive you for blaming me for what has happened in our family. You will never need to apologize, because I forgive you anyway. God has given me that ability. It is hard, and I will likely have to do it over and over again, but I will. I know that I have part in this family, and I have certainly erred, but I do not take blame for everything. There are many things that date back way before I was born. If you need me to be the cause, that's your choice and I forgive you for it.

So today, I say good-bye to you as well. I will pray for you. I will pray FERVENTLY that the good new of Jesus reaches you. I will pray for your salvation. And I will pray for your healing. Today, I say good-bye  to you; I was always fatherless, now motherless...but I have the Father in heaven taking care of me. And, He has blessed me. I have 2 beautiful children that I pray will not ever know the pain of being without parents. 

In Him I will live and breathe and move, and because of Him I will make it through any pain that comes my way. 

Love, Alicia Shepherd

 

Why Do What You Do?

Why do you do it? How do you do it? I don't know how you do it.

This week I have been thinking a lot about these questions. And, its not what you really think. It's not the "How do you do it with your husband deployed?" question. It's been more along the lines of why do you volunteer for the things you do? I often deflect this question with a joke about my inability to say no. (Which I will admit holds some truth,) I have struggled with these questions. There are times my kids are in the car, running around, to ensure we can get something to someone else. I wonder sometimes if I am sacrificing my time with them to serve others; I pray often for wisdom when it comes to that. In all honesty, I am so glad my children see the body of Christ move. I am glad they see people serving one another...but that is entirely another topic.

The question is: Why do I do what I do? Why be part of the Bible studies? Why make meals? Why take the phone calls? FB questions? and emails? People have been asking me that a lot lately. And not to hurt me, but out of genuine concern for me. They remind me that my husband, too, is deployed.

There are so many reasons; but today at church, it became so clear. What is my intended purpose in this life? It is to serve God by loving people so that more people may know who Jesus is. I could stand in front of a room for months and months and give lip service to Jesus...but if I (we, the Body of Christ) don't walk it out, and put into action what we believe, its all useless. In order to really show who Jesus is and share the GOOD NEWS of what He did for us, we must meet spiritual and physical needs. Can a hungry person hear the gospel as well as one who is fed? Can a person who is at their wits end with their children or marriage hear the message of the cross as one who has been given some relief?

If we really call ourselves believers in Jesus Christ, our lives should be transformed. The gospel should transform us, our Bible Study groups, our communities, our Army posts, our nation. It should not keep us in our churches and groups, safe and sound. It should push us out to serve wherever and however we can. Our Pastor today, said you don't have to cross the sea to be a missionary, rather you must see the cross. If we really see the Cross, how can we not be compelled to serve?

I frequently ask God what in the world He is doing allowing me to lead a Bible study? To be among such amazing women? To be allowed leadership? I am not just a broken vessel; there are days I feel shattered. I struggle with weight issues, I struggle with anxiety...and the list goes on and on. But, for some reason, He has given me this platform. And, I will use it to serve at every chance I get. Why? Because, I look around and see people that Jesus loves, I see people who do not know Him...


The better question...How can I not?

Sort of Stuck

Friends,
What a weird time this is. Caught between the joy of having my husband still here, and waiting for new normal to begin. Where did I learn such a ridiculous term anyway~ "new normal " as if a year away from my husband will be normal. 

I will say God is teaching me so much right now though. Through the deepest darkest moments, He is there and He is faithful. Though I feel stuck, waiting for this new season, I am trying to embrace what our current normal is. Be that tears, making videos for the kids, wondering what the next year will be like... Our current normal (to quote an old commander) "is what it is " and we accept it. Because God has ordained it. I may fight. I may wrestle. I may try to wriggle myself out of the pain of where we are. But, God, in His mighty patience, looks at me and says, My child, you are here in this moment, because I have chosen it for you.

Today, I am embracing sort of stuck. And praising God for it.

Dirty Little Mistress...It's not what you Think

I feel like there is a mistress living in my home. Her bags are scattered all over the floor. Her very presence has changed the uniform my husband wears each day. Her presence hangs over each moment, wondering if she will steal the joy from it. She makes me cry; which I do not like. She makes me mourn for the time my children will lose with their father because of her. She makes me wonder if the time I spend with my husband is precious enough to compete with the time she will have him for. That mistress, she makes me look at my husband differently. She makes me wonder if he will be different because he knew her. She has invaded my home. That dirty little mistress...she takes my husband away from me. Because of her, things will never quite be the same. 

And, yet...we know, that she is a part of our life; necessary at that. And we embrace her to the extent we can. She is part of our journey. 

That dirty little mistress of deployment...she will change us; but we will be stronger because of her.

Renew my mind Lord

They say no news is good news. Today I have to agree. They say things change in the Army and even when its in writing, it is subject to change. Well, no kidding. Looks like dates are moving around for us; not that anything is official yet. As much as I've been ready for this deployment to start for the countdown to homecoming to begin...my reaction to an earlier deployment date surprised me. I cried. Like a baby. And called my Grammy. Seems I can't find my big girl panties to put on~If anyone finds mine, let me know. I could use them. :) 

I am praying. Praying that God holds my emotions steady. That Tim knows that we are gonna be a-ok no matter if he leaves early or not. We are strong because HE is strong. I am praying that God gives me the words to properly and age appropriately discuss this with my kids. I am praying for God's mind about all of this. For mine is worldly, I ask that my mind be renewed~that bitterness or anger not take root, but rather thankfulness that God's plan is what is accomplished. God is bigger than the Army. He ordains times, seasons, etc... I am clinging to that. 

My emotions are a little all over right now~but God is quieting my spirit as I reflect on the TRUTH of His word. 

Thank you Jesus for being in my life. I quite literally do not know what I would do without YOU as the center.

Really?

It seems as if its been ages since I wrote. There have been many days where I have wanted to blog and let it all out; there just hasn't been time. Or I couldn't quite get my thoughts in order. 

These last several weeks have been at times wonderful, at times anxiety inducing, at times devastating and have at times left me on my knees crying out to God wondering why this is the life and path He has chosen for me. A roller coaster to say the least. To be honest, I'm still in this season. Each day has its ups and downs. I keep reminding myself how very normal that is right now. The deployment comes closer and closer, emotions are running high. 

What is on my mind most right now though is this verse:   2 Timothy 3:12
Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. What a verse. Do you ever just say to God, "really?" I have a lot lately. This is my blog, so here I am more honest than I am in other forums. This week I hit the pinnacle of asking God "really." As the words came out of my mouth, "Are you kidding me God? Have I really spent block leave ministering to people, organizing meals, praying for people, pet-sitting, baby-sitting... and this is how you repay me?" Really God?" I realized how off my focus was. Yes, I was receiving unfair criticism, attack on my character, and harsh words. And, I was angry. Really angry. This was MY 2 weeks with MY husband. Don't You know he's deploying too God? However, Paul specifically tells Timothy that ALL who desire to live godly...will suffer persecution. One of those verses that's not so often quoted. We like the John 3:16's of the Bible. The 2 Timothy 3:12's...not so much. And, so I questioned God. Really God? Why are You allowing this? Why is this happening? Do I just walk away from this ministry you have gifted me, such an imperfect follower? Do I turn my back on everything I have invested in? God, I'm just going to throw my hands up, throw in the towel, and surrender. 

And, then...God so wisely places people in my life who talk me off the "proverbial ledge" and bring me back to earth. Each in different ways. A husband who vehemently defends my honor and character, a friend who tells me she'll beat me just enough to know I made the wrong decision if I walk away, a Chaplain who stands beside me and defends my actions all the way to the top. God has given me some very difficult obstacles to navigate lately in terms of ministry. It seems nothing has been easy. A dear friend enduring a much more difficult time than I right now, said to me you know you're doing things right for God when there is so much opposition. (paraphrased, but that was the gist.) How blessed I am to have godly people who speak the words of God and encouragement to me. I know God is teaching me perseverance. He wants me to stay the course He has planned for me, even in the face of tremendous opposition and trial. He expected nothing less from his disciples, and He expects nothing less of us today. 

It is easy to say that I would put my life on the line for Christ. The apostles did. There is no question that people are martyred all over the world for professing their faith in Christ. However, are we willing to die to self each day? Am I willing to crucify my desire to be seen in a good light? Am I willing to die to my fleshly need for human approval? Am I willing to cast all else aside if God asks me one day for it to be just me and Him. If anything...then Him. Lip service is easy. Living out one's faith everyday, not so much. Lord, I pray that my fleshly desire for human approval would pass away. No number of volunteer hours or certificates I can hang on my wall will compare to hearing my Savior say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 


May this time of asking God really be a time of growth in my life. May I see that He is developing my perseverance, my character and my godliness. No one said this journey with Christ would be easy. We are to take up our cross and follow Him. We are promised persecution. We are told to delight in our trials and tribulations. 


^{1 Peter 4:12-16; The Message}
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. If you're abused because of Christ, count yourself fortunate. It's the Spirit of God and his glory in you that brought you to the notice of others. If they're on you because you broke the law or disturbed the peace, that's a different matter. But if it's because you're a Christian, don't give it a second thought. Be proud of the distinguished status reflected in that name!

Do not be anxious about most things...or everything?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Today, as I led our small Tour of Duty group, I had a knot in my stomach and I just couldn't get my hands to stop shaking. Anxiety was ruling my flesh. And, despite the fact that I sat in front of a room of women explaining how the God given detours of our lives were a blessing, I could not shake the anxiety. On the way home, I must have repeated to myself about 20 times, "Be anxious for nothing...." I knew this was what God wanted for me. Anxiety isn't of Him. It is of our enemy. Yet, still I couldn't shake it. I started to think, "God, You must not understand what life down here is like. To be anxious for nothing. Surely, He couldn't know what strained relationships were like. What it is like to be married to the military." How very naive and short sighted of me.

Hebrews 4:15 says: "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. ..." He's been there. He lived it. Strained relationships...I'm thinking God gets that better than anyone else. His chosen people walked away from Him time after time, no matter how often He showed His mercy, power and faithfulness. And, then, He sends His Son, the Redeemer for all mankind. And, he is questioned, persecuted and eventually crucified. Yet, as Jesus hung on the cross, He cried out for those who were to be His executors to be forgiven, for they knew not what they were doing. Strained relationships...yeah I think He gets it. He chose to take on skin and humanity so He would get it. So we would always have a Savior to run to and to cling to, who has "been there" and "done that", but done it without sin. As for being married to the military...with all the ups, downs and detours that brings, well God gets that too. He experienced His very creation choosing knowledge over Him. He watched His people build altars to false gods. He sent His own Son to earth, knowing what would happen. As we watch our men deploy, we can rest assured that God knows what it means to let someone go. I am so thankful that my Jesus is one who "gets me." And when Paul records the words "Do not be anxious for anything..." they are the very words of the Father who well knows my anxieties, but asks me instead to cast them on Him, to pray, to petition and to be thankful.

Therefore, as much as my flesh is warring against my spirit, and wants to succumb to the anxiety, I choose instead to be anxious for nothing, and to run to Him, petitioning Him for peace, for the ability to forgive, for more faith, more love....to become more like His Son.

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.(The Message, Phil 4:6-7)

Suprisingly Blessed

Today I am in awe of how very blessed I am. Though this is an emotional time, I am so keenly aware of God's presence. He is orchestrating everything in our lives right now, from His invisible realm. He is bringing new relationships, strengthening existing ones, convicting me of sin, and transforming me. At times, it is painful. He is constantly reminding me of my need to depend on Him and remove my pride. But, God is so clearly using this season of our lives to mold us. I know much is ahead of us, but to feel Him so present, right here among our family is a surprising blessing.

I pray that all my friends facing this deployment are feeling the presence of Christ in their homes...and seeking Him with all they have. He is faithful. We need to just seek.

Dear Deployment

Dear Deployment,

This has surely got to be the most bizarre season of my life so far. (And, I'm sure once you actually arrive, things will get more bizarre.) My days are filled with appointments, to do lists of things that I'm not even sure really need to get done, appointments, worrying about hooking up home phones, wills, Powers of Attorneys, meetings and so much more. There is not one empty day on my calendar for the next month. Deployment, you are not even here yet, and I have grown tired of hearing about you. There are times I wish you would just come now, so you could be done with quicker, but I realize my timeline is neither the Army's or God's. 

Deployment, days go by that I have no sad feelings about you at all. Self protection I've heard is why. There are days when I feel assured that because we have a will, it will never be used. Some sort of bet with fate I suppose I am making about you, deployment. Then there are the what if days. What if you change our lives forever deployment? What if you change my husband? my kids? me? What if life as I know it is never the same because of you? Those days, I get pretty angry at you deployment. Today was one of the first days I was really sad about you, deployment. Today I looked at my husband and realized that you get him for a whole year instead of me. He won't wake up at home because of you. He will miss Timmy's first day of kindergarten because of you. He will miss holidays because of you. Deployment, you are making me awfully sad today. You see, Tim is my best friend in the whole world~ I don't want to give him to you.

And, then...I remember that I do not give my husband over to the Army or to a deployment. I give him back to God. God so graciously blessed me with this man, and now He is calling me to really trust Him with the life and well being of my husband in a way I haven't had to before. He is also calling me to trust Him with my life-every last inch of it. My prince charming can't run to my rescue when things go wrong, but my Prince of Peace will be there to calm each and every fear. While Tim's arms cannot reach me from Afghanistan, the Comforter will be there to wrap around my spirit. I don't anticipate any of this to be easy~I don't expect it to turn out perfectly. I do expect to place the lives of the four of us in this family firmly in the hands of God, and trust Him with the outcome, whatever it may be. 

Deployment, I need not focus my eyes on you. I need to focus my eyes on He who will sustain us all. And, for the hope, grace, mercy and love of God, I am more thankful than I can even express.

Drowning in Grace

I have been throwing my thoughts back and forth all day, and haven't been able to quite sum them up until now. Even now, I am not sure if it will all come out coherently. I pray it does, only that His glory may shine through. As I write this, I have several friends in the throes of a life changing situation, I have friends whose husbands are deployed and are just doing all they can to make it through each day, I have friends living with illnesses that seem unfair. It all seems too much on certain days, doesn't it?

Lately, I find myself just a little off center; not quite able to be who I really am. It's been troubling me, as I have been trying to stay in the Word, stay in prayer, read good Christian books, etc... Panic attacks have been plaguing me on and off for a few weeks now, which I have mostly kept to myself, at the risk of being embarrassed, I suppose. I honestly think its pride that keeps me from sharing such things. Today, I realized after having a series of "attacks" that pride has kept me from returning to my doctor for help and for allowing others to be let in on what is happening in my life. I was prescribed xanax by an urgent care, but am terrified to take it because it is habit forming and damaging to the liver.

So, instead of heading back to my doctor, I decided on my own strength I would try to fight these panic attacks. Pride. Stupid pride. I don't want to appear weak. (I sometimes think we military wives are notorious for that.) While I not sure why God has chosen to allow me to struggle with depression, I know that Romans 8:28 is true, even when it seems like its not. I also know the great Apostle Paul had a thorn that he cried out to be removed from himself, and God chose not to. Today, in finally asking a friend for help (to watch the kids so I could go to the dr.), it occurred to me, that perhaps this depression is the thorn I must bear, to keep me humble, to keep me dependent on God and open to the Holy Spirit. I would love nothing more than to be healed, but for the time being, I will settle for drowning in His grace. In the midst of my depressed times, panic attacks, etc.. I am keenly aware of God's grace on me and my children. We somehow manage to make it through the days, with laughs and snuggles, all taken care of, even when it seems to hard. His grace permeates our home in ways I cannot explain nor that I deserve.

I will close with the lyrics to "How He Loves Us" which we sang in church this Sunday. I am thankful that only by His grace will I ever accomplish all He has called me to do in this lifetime. I am drowning in His grace, and I am clinging to His love.

Blessings my friends. Those of you who are hurting tonight, who I know are many, I pray you experience His love so strongly, you are unable to bear the weight of how much He loves you.




He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Prevailing Peace

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.

This morning, I woke flooded with the peace of God. As I sit here and catch a quiet moment while waffles and yogurt fill the mouths of my precious children, I drink my coffee, and want to praise God for this peace.

Though the military may not have always been my "choice" of lives to live (surely there is an image of a white picket fence somewhere), I am so aware that this life is my calling. It is my husband's calling, and it is my children's calling. When Tim and I met some 8 years ago, he planned to stay in the Army just long enough to procure his mustang, and of course, I intended to stay in Korea just long enough to get over a past boyfriend. God had much better plans for us; despite our short-sightedness. I found Christ, fell in love with my husband, and the two of us embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. Our plans never did come to pass, but the Lord's purpose certainly has prevailed.

We have been given two beautiful children, more opportunities to minister than we ever deserved, Tim was able to finish his degree in Theology, we have entered into fabulous friendships that have sustained the years and miles between us...more than we could have ever planned. I'm so thankful that our Father's purpose prevailed over ours.

And, today, as I watch my children running up and down the hallway of our apartment, giggling with joy, I realize that though military life may be hard, and may not be what I had planned for my children, God's purpose prevails. They were meant to be Army brats, for lack of a better phrase. And, because of this life, they will likely be resilient, cultured, adaptable children. The Lord's purpose prevails, and brings me peace that surpasses all understanding, even in the face of babies that miss their daddy. We, have the promise that God's plans will prevail.

Blessings Everyone!

Prayer

Since this is a blog, and I view it as kind of a diary, I will be honest here...I have long struggled with prayer. I intellectually understand the concept, I can pray for people's needs, I know that our intimacy with Christ is woven into the back and forth conversation of prayer and I know that it is absolutely imperative to my Christian walk.

Why then the struggle? Why is it so hard to communicate with such a loving God, that died for me, and whose Spirit lives within me? I am a very concrete person. To a fault, almost. I like things that are tangible, easily explained and visible. Though the presence of Christ is tangible in the life of a believer and even in the world around us, sometimes I long to see Him. Really see Him. To sit across the table and have a cup of coffee. (Imagine...it seems blasphemous even to approach Jesus in such a way; but nonetheless, to approach Him that readily.) It seems so much easier to pick up the phone and call my husband and explain my trials to him, to text a friend with my frustration. I sit here and wonder, why do I not reach out to the One closest to me? Surely, as we prepare for this deployment, no One will be closer that Christ. His Spirit resides within me and while I may not get a phone call from my husband for a day, or week, or please Lord not longer, I need not pick up a phone at all to reach my Savior, my Father. I am not only Tim's bride; I am Christ's bride. It is my desperate prayer, that in this season of our lives, that I call out to my first Love, Christ when my heart is hurting, when I miss my husband, when the idea of one more day away seems impossible, when it seems easier to eat the pain away than pray, when it seems more fun to shop and irresponsibly spend than deal with deployment. Lord, I cry out for more of a desire for You. To know You more; to be in constant conversation with You, to rely on You that I may serve my husband and children through You.

Lord, may a deep abiding sense of peace transcend this home, even though Daddy is gone, because we are on our knees in prayer, seeking Your face every moment of every day. More than any other "goal," Lord, this is my desire. I so desire for my children who miss their daddy so much even on day 1, to be able to call out to their Heavenly Father for love, peace and care. Lord, be in our family so much during this time, that we turn no other direction but heavenward when we feel angry, distant, lonely, sad, frustrated, etc...

I KNOW God is going to teach me so much about being on my knees, on my face in prayer during this time.

More than Conquerors

Yesterday was a tough day. I struggled with wanting control over all aspects of my life, particularly the Army, which as we all know is a fruitless endeavor. I prayed, I cried out and I wrestled with God yesterday. Why is this the path he chose for me? A military wife? Didn't he know that I was out at the peace rallies when the war started? How very young, naive and uninformed I was, by the way. Didn't he know I was raised in a very liberal home? How did I end up in this life?

Yet, here I am, and He promises that we are more than conquerors through Christ. That my friend is what I was missing yesterday. Through Christ, not on my own strength, am I able to conquer whatever the world throws at me, including deployments, family issues, etc...

So very thankful that Jesus willingly offers His strength; as long as I am willing to set aside my pride and humbly ask for His.

Today, I am Tired.

Today, friends, I am exhausted. Not physically. Just tired of the day in and day outs. Now, bear with me...I realize that I am so very blessed (beyond what I deserve because of God's grace.) I am just admitting I am desperate for Him, because all of this would be insurmountable without Him. It's brutal honesty...and, just where I am at today. Do you ever have a day where you feel so tired and long for the return of Christ? Today, I am there.

I am tired of baking for my kids and they won't eat it.
I am tired of watching the SAME kids movies a hundred times a day.
I am tired of Veggie Tales CD's.
I am tired of trying to go to the bathroom or take a shower and not being able to do it alone.
I am tired of picking up the same toys 9 million times a day.
I am tired of the Army telling me that they still don't know when my husband leaves for training even though it could be less than 9 days away.
I am tired of people asking me when Tim deploys and where he is going. I have no idea. Who knows when we will know?
I am tired of this winter and all the sickness.
I am tired of car repairs.
I am tired of trying to balance the checkbook.
I am tired of cleaning out the guinea pig cage and having to do it again 5 minutes later.
I am tired of not feeling good enough at anything.
I am tired of feeling not qualified for work because I do not have a bachelor's degree.
I am tired of fighting my weight battle.
I am tired of starting something (IE: couch to 5K) and then someone getting sick.
I am tired of starting something and putting my life into it (IE: The FRG) and then getting moved to a new Company.
I am tired of having to go to the ER because Tricare won't pay for Urgent Care without a referral.
I am tired of not knowing when my husband will be home from work.
I am tired of waking up in the morning to demands for milk and breakfast before I can even get a diaper changed.
I am tired of not bringing an income home.

I am tired of feeling like if I want my husband in a safe job, that isn't supporting the Army Mission.
I am tired of pretending like I have it all together.
I am tired of having family drama, breaks in relationships, gossip, etc...
I am tired.

I am so so tired, Lord. I need some refreshing. Please Lord, send me Your peace.

New Year, New me?

As I begin this blog post, I ask myself, as I do each time I blog, if anyone really wants to read this. I'm not sure if I hope that people read it or not. I suppose, I pray that if it is read, that it will lead people more and more to God, because each day, I realize how much I must depend on Him.

This year, 2011, should prove to be the most interesting of our lives thus far. Deployment is looming, and we are in full force preparation mode. Tim's filming video messages for the kids for holidays, first day of school, etc... I am trying to plan a Bible Study for the wives of our Battalion to help us prepare. Town Hall meetings, FRG meetings, Spiritual Resiliency, POA's, SRP, Wills, SGLI are among the many things on my mind right now. Of course, as usual, I am hoping for dates. Good, hard, solid dates that will tells us when the leave and when they come home. (Have I learned nothing as a military wife? lol.)

At any rate, in preparation for this year, and this deployment, God has so clearly led me to back off from school. Not a move I totally understood, or understand, as I know that finishing my education is important, but nonetheless, I knew absolutely it had to be done. God so desires for our family to carve out time to love each other, learn about being a better family, and heal from past wounds. I know that every time Tim has left in the past, my wounds from childhood (and adulthood) resurface in many ways. The insecurities take over, the what if's plague my mind, and I don't remember the pit from which God pulled me and saved me.

God has directed me that this is His time to work on me. It's time to do some healing. Time for some counseling, which believe me was terrifying the first week. I bit all of my nails off. The thought of letting someone know that I do not have it all together is very scary for me, but God is breaking down the walls in my heart, and asking to be let in to each place, those that are the darkest, the most hurting, the most desperate. He is leading me to healing. I can feel it. It's time for a refresher in parenting. (Thanks to Cheryl for leading our group.) It's time for a refresher in marriage. (Loving our Real Life Marriage Class!) It's time to date my husband again, not just for the sake of saying we do it, but to really cherish and treasure each moment we have together.

I have great expectations for this year. For once, they aren't based on external goals. I expect healing from My Savior. And, I know He is going to bring me through this process.