New Year, New me?

As I begin this blog post, I ask myself, as I do each time I blog, if anyone really wants to read this. I'm not sure if I hope that people read it or not. I suppose, I pray that if it is read, that it will lead people more and more to God, because each day, I realize how much I must depend on Him.

This year, 2011, should prove to be the most interesting of our lives thus far. Deployment is looming, and we are in full force preparation mode. Tim's filming video messages for the kids for holidays, first day of school, etc... I am trying to plan a Bible Study for the wives of our Battalion to help us prepare. Town Hall meetings, FRG meetings, Spiritual Resiliency, POA's, SRP, Wills, SGLI are among the many things on my mind right now. Of course, as usual, I am hoping for dates. Good, hard, solid dates that will tells us when the leave and when they come home. (Have I learned nothing as a military wife? lol.)

At any rate, in preparation for this year, and this deployment, God has so clearly led me to back off from school. Not a move I totally understood, or understand, as I know that finishing my education is important, but nonetheless, I knew absolutely it had to be done. God so desires for our family to carve out time to love each other, learn about being a better family, and heal from past wounds. I know that every time Tim has left in the past, my wounds from childhood (and adulthood) resurface in many ways. The insecurities take over, the what if's plague my mind, and I don't remember the pit from which God pulled me and saved me.

God has directed me that this is His time to work on me. It's time to do some healing. Time for some counseling, which believe me was terrifying the first week. I bit all of my nails off. The thought of letting someone know that I do not have it all together is very scary for me, but God is breaking down the walls in my heart, and asking to be let in to each place, those that are the darkest, the most hurting, the most desperate. He is leading me to healing. I can feel it. It's time for a refresher in parenting. (Thanks to Cheryl for leading our group.) It's time for a refresher in marriage. (Loving our Real Life Marriage Class!) It's time to date my husband again, not just for the sake of saying we do it, but to really cherish and treasure each moment we have together.

I have great expectations for this year. For once, they aren't based on external goals. I expect healing from My Savior. And, I know He is going to bring me through this process.