Yesterday was a tough day. I struggled with wanting control over all aspects of my life, particularly the Army, which as we all know is a fruitless endeavor. I prayed, I cried out and I wrestled with God yesterday. Why is this the path he chose for me? A military wife? Didn't he know that I was out at the peace rallies when the war started? How very young, naive and uninformed I was, by the way. Didn't he know I was raised in a very liberal home? How did I end up in this life?
Yet, here I am, and He promises that we are more than conquerors through Christ. That my friend is what I was missing yesterday. Through Christ, not on my own strength, am I able to conquer whatever the world throws at me, including deployments, family issues, etc...
So very thankful that Jesus willingly offers His strength; as long as I am willing to set aside my pride and humbly ask for His.
My journey as a child of God, an Army wife, a mommy, a student, and at times... a mess. It has taken me quite literally all over the world, through many peaks and valleys. The journey continues each day.
21 January 2011
20 January 2011
Today, I am Tired.
Today, friends, I am exhausted. Not physically. Just tired of the day in and day outs. Now, bear with me...I realize that I am so very blessed (beyond what I deserve because of God's grace.) I am just admitting I am desperate for Him, because all of this would be insurmountable without Him. It's brutal honesty...and, just where I am at today. Do you ever have a day where you feel so tired and long for the return of Christ? Today, I am there.
I am tired of baking for my kids and they won't eat it.
I am tired of watching the SAME kids movies a hundred times a day.
I am tired of Veggie Tales CD's.
I am tired of trying to go to the bathroom or take a shower and not being able to do it alone.
I am tired of picking up the same toys 9 million times a day.
I am tired of the Army telling me that they still don't know when my husband leaves for training even though it could be less than 9 days away.
I am tired of people asking me when Tim deploys and where he is going. I have no idea. Who knows when we will know?
I am tired of this winter and all the sickness.
I am tired of car repairs.
I am tired of trying to balance the checkbook.
I am tired of cleaning out the guinea pig cage and having to do it again 5 minutes later.
I am tired of not feeling good enough at anything.
I am tired of feeling not qualified for work because I do not have a bachelor's degree.
I am tired of fighting my weight battle.
I am tired of starting something (IE: couch to 5K) and then someone getting sick.
I am tired of starting something and putting my life into it (IE: The FRG) and then getting moved to a new Company.
I am tired of having to go to the ER because Tricare won't pay for Urgent Care without a referral.
I am tired of not knowing when my husband will be home from work.
I am tired of waking up in the morning to demands for milk and breakfast before I can even get a diaper changed.
I am tired of not bringing an income home.
I am tired of feeling like if I want my husband in a safe job, that isn't supporting the Army Mission.
I am tired of pretending like I have it all together.
I am tired of having family drama, breaks in relationships, gossip, etc...
I am tired.
I am so so tired, Lord. I need some refreshing. Please Lord, send me Your peace.
I am tired of baking for my kids and they won't eat it.
I am tired of watching the SAME kids movies a hundred times a day.
I am tired of Veggie Tales CD's.
I am tired of trying to go to the bathroom or take a shower and not being able to do it alone.
I am tired of picking up the same toys 9 million times a day.
I am tired of the Army telling me that they still don't know when my husband leaves for training even though it could be less than 9 days away.
I am tired of people asking me when Tim deploys and where he is going. I have no idea. Who knows when we will know?
I am tired of this winter and all the sickness.
I am tired of car repairs.
I am tired of trying to balance the checkbook.
I am tired of cleaning out the guinea pig cage and having to do it again 5 minutes later.
I am tired of not feeling good enough at anything.
I am tired of feeling not qualified for work because I do not have a bachelor's degree.
I am tired of fighting my weight battle.
I am tired of starting something (IE: couch to 5K) and then someone getting sick.
I am tired of starting something and putting my life into it (IE: The FRG) and then getting moved to a new Company.
I am tired of having to go to the ER because Tricare won't pay for Urgent Care without a referral.
I am tired of not knowing when my husband will be home from work.
I am tired of waking up in the morning to demands for milk and breakfast before I can even get a diaper changed.
I am tired of not bringing an income home.
I am tired of feeling like if I want my husband in a safe job, that isn't supporting the Army Mission.
I am tired of pretending like I have it all together.
I am tired of having family drama, breaks in relationships, gossip, etc...
I am tired.
I am so so tired, Lord. I need some refreshing. Please Lord, send me Your peace.
16 January 2011
New Year, New me?
As I begin this blog post, I ask myself, as I do each time I blog, if anyone really wants to read this. I'm not sure if I hope that people read it or not. I suppose, I pray that if it is read, that it will lead people more and more to God, because each day, I realize how much I must depend on Him.
This year, 2011, should prove to be the most interesting of our lives thus far. Deployment is looming, and we are in full force preparation mode. Tim's filming video messages for the kids for holidays, first day of school, etc... I am trying to plan a Bible Study for the wives of our Battalion to help us prepare. Town Hall meetings, FRG meetings, Spiritual Resiliency, POA's, SRP, Wills, SGLI are among the many things on my mind right now. Of course, as usual, I am hoping for dates. Good, hard, solid dates that will tells us when the leave and when they come home. (Have I learned nothing as a military wife? lol.)
At any rate, in preparation for this year, and this deployment, God has so clearly led me to back off from school. Not a move I totally understood, or understand, as I know that finishing my education is important, but nonetheless, I knew absolutely it had to be done. God so desires for our family to carve out time to love each other, learn about being a better family, and heal from past wounds. I know that every time Tim has left in the past, my wounds from childhood (and adulthood) resurface in many ways. The insecurities take over, the what if's plague my mind, and I don't remember the pit from which God pulled me and saved me.
God has directed me that this is His time to work on me. It's time to do some healing. Time for some counseling, which believe me was terrifying the first week. I bit all of my nails off. The thought of letting someone know that I do not have it all together is very scary for me, but God is breaking down the walls in my heart, and asking to be let in to each place, those that are the darkest, the most hurting, the most desperate. He is leading me to healing. I can feel it. It's time for a refresher in parenting. (Thanks to Cheryl for leading our group.) It's time for a refresher in marriage. (Loving our Real Life Marriage Class!) It's time to date my husband again, not just for the sake of saying we do it, but to really cherish and treasure each moment we have together.
I have great expectations for this year. For once, they aren't based on external goals. I expect healing from My Savior. And, I know He is going to bring me through this process.
This year, 2011, should prove to be the most interesting of our lives thus far. Deployment is looming, and we are in full force preparation mode. Tim's filming video messages for the kids for holidays, first day of school, etc... I am trying to plan a Bible Study for the wives of our Battalion to help us prepare. Town Hall meetings, FRG meetings, Spiritual Resiliency, POA's, SRP, Wills, SGLI are among the many things on my mind right now. Of course, as usual, I am hoping for dates. Good, hard, solid dates that will tells us when the leave and when they come home. (Have I learned nothing as a military wife? lol.)
At any rate, in preparation for this year, and this deployment, God has so clearly led me to back off from school. Not a move I totally understood, or understand, as I know that finishing my education is important, but nonetheless, I knew absolutely it had to be done. God so desires for our family to carve out time to love each other, learn about being a better family, and heal from past wounds. I know that every time Tim has left in the past, my wounds from childhood (and adulthood) resurface in many ways. The insecurities take over, the what if's plague my mind, and I don't remember the pit from which God pulled me and saved me.
God has directed me that this is His time to work on me. It's time to do some healing. Time for some counseling, which believe me was terrifying the first week. I bit all of my nails off. The thought of letting someone know that I do not have it all together is very scary for me, but God is breaking down the walls in my heart, and asking to be let in to each place, those that are the darkest, the most hurting, the most desperate. He is leading me to healing. I can feel it. It's time for a refresher in parenting. (Thanks to Cheryl for leading our group.) It's time for a refresher in marriage. (Loving our Real Life Marriage Class!) It's time to date my husband again, not just for the sake of saying we do it, but to really cherish and treasure each moment we have together.
I have great expectations for this year. For once, they aren't based on external goals. I expect healing from My Savior. And, I know He is going to bring me through this process.
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