A Daughter Always

I will always be a daughter, regardless of whether or not I have a mother or a father. I am the daughter of THE Heavenly King.

Dear Mom,

Today will be the last day you will have that title in my mind. I'm sorry to say so, but its true. I thank you for giving me life, for not opting to end your pregnancy when you were young and unmarried. I thank you for caring for me. I thank you for the sacrifices I am sure you had to make as a mother.

That said, today I say good~bye. Well, truth be told, you said good-bye first.

The email you sent me today would have broken me a few years ago...and while my heart hurts, I will not be shaken or moved. I have not been the perfect daughter, in fact, far from it. Who is perfect? Only Jesus, and I am so thankful I know Him. I am sorry for the things in my life that I did wrong. I am sorry for not coming home till 4 am, for forgetting to pay my car insurance in college. I am sorry for all of those things.  

I'm not sure why today was the day you decided to say good-bye to me. I am not sure why you chose to remove me from your medical contacts so that I may not know how your surgery goes. I have been giving you the best I could since Tim left. I know that isn't much. I also know that you would tell me I chose this life, so to buck up and deal. And, I am. You should know that. When I left NY a couple of years ago, I had never been more broken. I'm still healing, but thankful I am in progress.

The things of mine that you have, that's fine. You may throw them away. Things do not define me. Nor do memories, awards, etc... Only Jesus does. Having a mother say good-bye to me will not define me. It will not change who I am. It will not stop me from parenting my kids the best I can, learning to be the best wife I can, and following Jesus as hard as I can. 

I am choosing today to forgive you. I forgive you for blaming me for what has happened in our family. You will never need to apologize, because I forgive you anyway. God has given me that ability. It is hard, and I will likely have to do it over and over again, but I will. I know that I have part in this family, and I have certainly erred, but I do not take blame for everything. There are many things that date back way before I was born. If you need me to be the cause, that's your choice and I forgive you for it.

So today, I say good-bye to you as well. I will pray for you. I will pray FERVENTLY that the good new of Jesus reaches you. I will pray for your salvation. And I will pray for your healing. Today, I say good-bye  to you; I was always fatherless, now motherless...but I have the Father in heaven taking care of me. And, He has blessed me. I have 2 beautiful children that I pray will not ever know the pain of being without parents. 

In Him I will live and breathe and move, and because of Him I will make it through any pain that comes my way. 

Love, Alicia Shepherd