I have been throwing my thoughts back and forth all day, and haven't been able to quite sum them up until now. Even now, I am not sure if it will all come out coherently. I pray it does, only that His glory may shine through. As I write this, I have several friends in the throes of a life changing situation, I have friends whose husbands are deployed and are just doing all they can to make it through each day, I have friends living with illnesses that seem unfair. It all seems too much on certain days, doesn't it?
Lately, I find myself just a little off center; not quite able to be who I really am. It's been troubling me, as I have been trying to stay in the Word, stay in prayer, read good Christian books, etc... Panic attacks have been plaguing me on and off for a few weeks now, which I have mostly kept to myself, at the risk of being embarrassed, I suppose. I honestly think its pride that keeps me from sharing such things. Today, I realized after having a series of "attacks" that pride has kept me from returning to my doctor for help and for allowing others to be let in on what is happening in my life. I was prescribed xanax by an urgent care, but am terrified to take it because it is habit forming and damaging to the liver.
So, instead of heading back to my doctor, I decided on my own strength I would try to fight these panic attacks. Pride. Stupid pride. I don't want to appear weak. (I sometimes think we military wives are notorious for that.) While I not sure why God has chosen to allow me to struggle with depression, I know that Romans 8:28 is true, even when it seems like its not. I also know the great Apostle Paul had a thorn that he cried out to be removed from himself, and God chose not to. Today, in finally asking a friend for help (to watch the kids so I could go to the dr.), it occurred to me, that perhaps this depression is the thorn I must bear, to keep me humble, to keep me dependent on God and open to the Holy Spirit. I would love nothing more than to be healed, but for the time being, I will settle for drowning in His grace. In the midst of my depressed times, panic attacks, etc.. I am keenly aware of God's grace on me and my children. We somehow manage to make it through the days, with laughs and snuggles, all taken care of, even when it seems to hard. His grace permeates our home in ways I cannot explain nor that I deserve.
I will close with the lyrics to "How He Loves Us" which we sang in church this Sunday. I am thankful that only by His grace will I ever accomplish all He has called me to do in this lifetime. I am drowning in His grace, and I am clinging to His love.
Blessings my friends. Those of you who are hurting tonight, who I know are many, I pray you experience His love so strongly, you are unable to bear the weight of how much He loves you.
He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
My journey as a child of God, an Army wife, a mommy, a student, and at times... a mess. It has taken me quite literally all over the world, through many peaks and valleys. The journey continues each day.
08 February 2011
02 February 2011
Prevailing Peace
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
This morning, I woke flooded with the peace of God. As I sit here and catch a quiet moment while waffles and yogurt fill the mouths of my precious children, I drink my coffee, and want to praise God for this peace.
Though the military may not have always been my "choice" of lives to live (surely there is an image of a white picket fence somewhere), I am so aware that this life is my calling. It is my husband's calling, and it is my children's calling. When Tim and I met some 8 years ago, he planned to stay in the Army just long enough to procure his mustang, and of course, I intended to stay in Korea just long enough to get over a past boyfriend. God had much better plans for us; despite our short-sightedness. I found Christ, fell in love with my husband, and the two of us embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. Our plans never did come to pass, but the Lord's purpose certainly has prevailed.
We have been given two beautiful children, more opportunities to minister than we ever deserved, Tim was able to finish his degree in Theology, we have entered into fabulous friendships that have sustained the years and miles between us...more than we could have ever planned. I'm so thankful that our Father's purpose prevailed over ours.
And, today, as I watch my children running up and down the hallway of our apartment, giggling with joy, I realize that though military life may be hard, and may not be what I had planned for my children, God's purpose prevails. They were meant to be Army brats, for lack of a better phrase. And, because of this life, they will likely be resilient, cultured, adaptable children. The Lord's purpose prevails, and brings me peace that surpasses all understanding, even in the face of babies that miss their daddy. We, have the promise that God's plans will prevail.
Blessings Everyone!
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
This morning, I woke flooded with the peace of God. As I sit here and catch a quiet moment while waffles and yogurt fill the mouths of my precious children, I drink my coffee, and want to praise God for this peace.
Though the military may not have always been my "choice" of lives to live (surely there is an image of a white picket fence somewhere), I am so aware that this life is my calling. It is my husband's calling, and it is my children's calling. When Tim and I met some 8 years ago, he planned to stay in the Army just long enough to procure his mustang, and of course, I intended to stay in Korea just long enough to get over a past boyfriend. God had much better plans for us; despite our short-sightedness. I found Christ, fell in love with my husband, and the two of us embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. Our plans never did come to pass, but the Lord's purpose certainly has prevailed.
We have been given two beautiful children, more opportunities to minister than we ever deserved, Tim was able to finish his degree in Theology, we have entered into fabulous friendships that have sustained the years and miles between us...more than we could have ever planned. I'm so thankful that our Father's purpose prevailed over ours.
And, today, as I watch my children running up and down the hallway of our apartment, giggling with joy, I realize that though military life may be hard, and may not be what I had planned for my children, God's purpose prevails. They were meant to be Army brats, for lack of a better phrase. And, because of this life, they will likely be resilient, cultured, adaptable children. The Lord's purpose prevails, and brings me peace that surpasses all understanding, even in the face of babies that miss their daddy. We, have the promise that God's plans will prevail.
Blessings Everyone!
01 February 2011
Prayer
Since this is a blog, and I view it as kind of a diary, I will be honest here...I have long struggled with prayer. I intellectually understand the concept, I can pray for people's needs, I know that our intimacy with Christ is woven into the back and forth conversation of prayer and I know that it is absolutely imperative to my Christian walk.
Why then the struggle? Why is it so hard to communicate with such a loving God, that died for me, and whose Spirit lives within me? I am a very concrete person. To a fault, almost. I like things that are tangible, easily explained and visible. Though the presence of Christ is tangible in the life of a believer and even in the world around us, sometimes I long to see Him. Really see Him. To sit across the table and have a cup of coffee. (Imagine...it seems blasphemous even to approach Jesus in such a way; but nonetheless, to approach Him that readily.) It seems so much easier to pick up the phone and call my husband and explain my trials to him, to text a friend with my frustration. I sit here and wonder, why do I not reach out to the One closest to me? Surely, as we prepare for this deployment, no One will be closer that Christ. His Spirit resides within me and while I may not get a phone call from my husband for a day, or week, or please Lord not longer, I need not pick up a phone at all to reach my Savior, my Father. I am not only Tim's bride; I am Christ's bride. It is my desperate prayer, that in this season of our lives, that I call out to my first Love, Christ when my heart is hurting, when I miss my husband, when the idea of one more day away seems impossible, when it seems easier to eat the pain away than pray, when it seems more fun to shop and irresponsibly spend than deal with deployment. Lord, I cry out for more of a desire for You. To know You more; to be in constant conversation with You, to rely on You that I may serve my husband and children through You.
Lord, may a deep abiding sense of peace transcend this home, even though Daddy is gone, because we are on our knees in prayer, seeking Your face every moment of every day. More than any other "goal," Lord, this is my desire. I so desire for my children who miss their daddy so much even on day 1, to be able to call out to their Heavenly Father for love, peace and care. Lord, be in our family so much during this time, that we turn no other direction but heavenward when we feel angry, distant, lonely, sad, frustrated, etc...
I KNOW God is going to teach me so much about being on my knees, on my face in prayer during this time.
Why then the struggle? Why is it so hard to communicate with such a loving God, that died for me, and whose Spirit lives within me? I am a very concrete person. To a fault, almost. I like things that are tangible, easily explained and visible. Though the presence of Christ is tangible in the life of a believer and even in the world around us, sometimes I long to see Him. Really see Him. To sit across the table and have a cup of coffee. (Imagine...it seems blasphemous even to approach Jesus in such a way; but nonetheless, to approach Him that readily.) It seems so much easier to pick up the phone and call my husband and explain my trials to him, to text a friend with my frustration. I sit here and wonder, why do I not reach out to the One closest to me? Surely, as we prepare for this deployment, no One will be closer that Christ. His Spirit resides within me and while I may not get a phone call from my husband for a day, or week, or please Lord not longer, I need not pick up a phone at all to reach my Savior, my Father. I am not only Tim's bride; I am Christ's bride. It is my desperate prayer, that in this season of our lives, that I call out to my first Love, Christ when my heart is hurting, when I miss my husband, when the idea of one more day away seems impossible, when it seems easier to eat the pain away than pray, when it seems more fun to shop and irresponsibly spend than deal with deployment. Lord, I cry out for more of a desire for You. To know You more; to be in constant conversation with You, to rely on You that I may serve my husband and children through You.
Lord, may a deep abiding sense of peace transcend this home, even though Daddy is gone, because we are on our knees in prayer, seeking Your face every moment of every day. More than any other "goal," Lord, this is my desire. I so desire for my children who miss their daddy so much even on day 1, to be able to call out to their Heavenly Father for love, peace and care. Lord, be in our family so much during this time, that we turn no other direction but heavenward when we feel angry, distant, lonely, sad, frustrated, etc...
I KNOW God is going to teach me so much about being on my knees, on my face in prayer during this time.
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