Drowning in Grace

I have been throwing my thoughts back and forth all day, and haven't been able to quite sum them up until now. Even now, I am not sure if it will all come out coherently. I pray it does, only that His glory may shine through. As I write this, I have several friends in the throes of a life changing situation, I have friends whose husbands are deployed and are just doing all they can to make it through each day, I have friends living with illnesses that seem unfair. It all seems too much on certain days, doesn't it?

Lately, I find myself just a little off center; not quite able to be who I really am. It's been troubling me, as I have been trying to stay in the Word, stay in prayer, read good Christian books, etc... Panic attacks have been plaguing me on and off for a few weeks now, which I have mostly kept to myself, at the risk of being embarrassed, I suppose. I honestly think its pride that keeps me from sharing such things. Today, I realized after having a series of "attacks" that pride has kept me from returning to my doctor for help and for allowing others to be let in on what is happening in my life. I was prescribed xanax by an urgent care, but am terrified to take it because it is habit forming and damaging to the liver.

So, instead of heading back to my doctor, I decided on my own strength I would try to fight these panic attacks. Pride. Stupid pride. I don't want to appear weak. (I sometimes think we military wives are notorious for that.) While I not sure why God has chosen to allow me to struggle with depression, I know that Romans 8:28 is true, even when it seems like its not. I also know the great Apostle Paul had a thorn that he cried out to be removed from himself, and God chose not to. Today, in finally asking a friend for help (to watch the kids so I could go to the dr.), it occurred to me, that perhaps this depression is the thorn I must bear, to keep me humble, to keep me dependent on God and open to the Holy Spirit. I would love nothing more than to be healed, but for the time being, I will settle for drowning in His grace. In the midst of my depressed times, panic attacks, etc.. I am keenly aware of God's grace on me and my children. We somehow manage to make it through the days, with laughs and snuggles, all taken care of, even when it seems to hard. His grace permeates our home in ways I cannot explain nor that I deserve.

I will close with the lyrics to "How He Loves Us" which we sang in church this Sunday. I am thankful that only by His grace will I ever accomplish all He has called me to do in this lifetime. I am drowning in His grace, and I am clinging to His love.

Blessings my friends. Those of you who are hurting tonight, who I know are many, I pray you experience His love so strongly, you are unable to bear the weight of how much He loves you.




He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.