It has been a long time since I have blogged. Since about month 3 of the deployment, to be exact. I thought I was weary then; psssh what did I know. Today, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions. Up, down, tears, anger and everything in between.
I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. Yes, Tim called. Yes, he's delayed (not exactly a big surprise in the world of the Army) But that isn't quite it. It took me a little while to put my finger on it. Today should have been my graduation day. Tomorrow is my first mothers day after having lost my mother. I am feeling loss over both. At the end of this deployment, I was supposed to be walking the stage in Lynchburg, VA at Liberty University. And, here I sit...one year later, with no degree. I feel like I should have pressed on. Made it work. Powered through. And, so I am watching all the graduation excitement online, and just feeling disappointed in myself. Mother's Day with your husband gone is something you get used to in military life. This Mother's Day is a tough one. I hadn't spoken to my mom much in a couple of years before her passing and hadn't seen her in 2 years. But, she was always there. There was always chance, hope for something to change. For reconciliation. Today, she is with her Savior. She is no longer in pain. She is reconciled unto Christ. But today, I sit and ponder what would it be like if I could call her and tell her Happy Mother's Day. Would I have done things differently? Who knows? What ifs don't get anyone anywhere and neither does regret. That said, today my heart is burdened with sadness. I lost my mom. I didn't complete what I set out to. Tim is on his way home soon; and I am not sure what I have to show for the deployment--other than just trying to hold it together.
Today is a tough day. I think we all have them. I am ready for a new beginning.
Congrats on having Tim home
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