Sort of Stuck

Friends,
What a weird time this is. Caught between the joy of having my husband still here, and waiting for new normal to begin. Where did I learn such a ridiculous term anyway~ "new normal " as if a year away from my husband will be normal. 

I will say God is teaching me so much right now though. Through the deepest darkest moments, He is there and He is faithful. Though I feel stuck, waiting for this new season, I am trying to embrace what our current normal is. Be that tears, making videos for the kids, wondering what the next year will be like... Our current normal (to quote an old commander) "is what it is " and we accept it. Because God has ordained it. I may fight. I may wrestle. I may try to wriggle myself out of the pain of where we are. But, God, in His mighty patience, looks at me and says, My child, you are here in this moment, because I have chosen it for you.

Today, I am embracing sort of stuck. And praising God for it.

Dirty Little Mistress...It's not what you Think

I feel like there is a mistress living in my home. Her bags are scattered all over the floor. Her very presence has changed the uniform my husband wears each day. Her presence hangs over each moment, wondering if she will steal the joy from it. She makes me cry; which I do not like. She makes me mourn for the time my children will lose with their father because of her. She makes me wonder if the time I spend with my husband is precious enough to compete with the time she will have him for. That mistress, she makes me look at my husband differently. She makes me wonder if he will be different because he knew her. She has invaded my home. That dirty little mistress...she takes my husband away from me. Because of her, things will never quite be the same. 

And, yet...we know, that she is a part of our life; necessary at that. And we embrace her to the extent we can. She is part of our journey. 

That dirty little mistress of deployment...she will change us; but we will be stronger because of her.

Renew my mind Lord

They say no news is good news. Today I have to agree. They say things change in the Army and even when its in writing, it is subject to change. Well, no kidding. Looks like dates are moving around for us; not that anything is official yet. As much as I've been ready for this deployment to start for the countdown to homecoming to begin...my reaction to an earlier deployment date surprised me. I cried. Like a baby. And called my Grammy. Seems I can't find my big girl panties to put on~If anyone finds mine, let me know. I could use them. :) 

I am praying. Praying that God holds my emotions steady. That Tim knows that we are gonna be a-ok no matter if he leaves early or not. We are strong because HE is strong. I am praying that God gives me the words to properly and age appropriately discuss this with my kids. I am praying for God's mind about all of this. For mine is worldly, I ask that my mind be renewed~that bitterness or anger not take root, but rather thankfulness that God's plan is what is accomplished. God is bigger than the Army. He ordains times, seasons, etc... I am clinging to that. 

My emotions are a little all over right now~but God is quieting my spirit as I reflect on the TRUTH of His word. 

Thank you Jesus for being in my life. I quite literally do not know what I would do without YOU as the center.

Really?

It seems as if its been ages since I wrote. There have been many days where I have wanted to blog and let it all out; there just hasn't been time. Or I couldn't quite get my thoughts in order. 

These last several weeks have been at times wonderful, at times anxiety inducing, at times devastating and have at times left me on my knees crying out to God wondering why this is the life and path He has chosen for me. A roller coaster to say the least. To be honest, I'm still in this season. Each day has its ups and downs. I keep reminding myself how very normal that is right now. The deployment comes closer and closer, emotions are running high. 

What is on my mind most right now though is this verse:   2 Timothy 3:12
Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. What a verse. Do you ever just say to God, "really?" I have a lot lately. This is my blog, so here I am more honest than I am in other forums. This week I hit the pinnacle of asking God "really." As the words came out of my mouth, "Are you kidding me God? Have I really spent block leave ministering to people, organizing meals, praying for people, pet-sitting, baby-sitting... and this is how you repay me?" Really God?" I realized how off my focus was. Yes, I was receiving unfair criticism, attack on my character, and harsh words. And, I was angry. Really angry. This was MY 2 weeks with MY husband. Don't You know he's deploying too God? However, Paul specifically tells Timothy that ALL who desire to live godly...will suffer persecution. One of those verses that's not so often quoted. We like the John 3:16's of the Bible. The 2 Timothy 3:12's...not so much. And, so I questioned God. Really God? Why are You allowing this? Why is this happening? Do I just walk away from this ministry you have gifted me, such an imperfect follower? Do I turn my back on everything I have invested in? God, I'm just going to throw my hands up, throw in the towel, and surrender. 

And, then...God so wisely places people in my life who talk me off the "proverbial ledge" and bring me back to earth. Each in different ways. A husband who vehemently defends my honor and character, a friend who tells me she'll beat me just enough to know I made the wrong decision if I walk away, a Chaplain who stands beside me and defends my actions all the way to the top. God has given me some very difficult obstacles to navigate lately in terms of ministry. It seems nothing has been easy. A dear friend enduring a much more difficult time than I right now, said to me you know you're doing things right for God when there is so much opposition. (paraphrased, but that was the gist.) How blessed I am to have godly people who speak the words of God and encouragement to me. I know God is teaching me perseverance. He wants me to stay the course He has planned for me, even in the face of tremendous opposition and trial. He expected nothing less from his disciples, and He expects nothing less of us today. 

It is easy to say that I would put my life on the line for Christ. The apostles did. There is no question that people are martyred all over the world for professing their faith in Christ. However, are we willing to die to self each day? Am I willing to crucify my desire to be seen in a good light? Am I willing to die to my fleshly need for human approval? Am I willing to cast all else aside if God asks me one day for it to be just me and Him. If anything...then Him. Lip service is easy. Living out one's faith everyday, not so much. Lord, I pray that my fleshly desire for human approval would pass away. No number of volunteer hours or certificates I can hang on my wall will compare to hearing my Savior say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 


May this time of asking God really be a time of growth in my life. May I see that He is developing my perseverance, my character and my godliness. No one said this journey with Christ would be easy. We are to take up our cross and follow Him. We are promised persecution. We are told to delight in our trials and tribulations. 


^{1 Peter 4:12-16; The Message}
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. If you're abused because of Christ, count yourself fortunate. It's the Spirit of God and his glory in you that brought you to the notice of others. If they're on you because you broke the law or disturbed the peace, that's a different matter. But if it's because you're a Christian, don't give it a second thought. Be proud of the distinguished status reflected in that name!