A Daughter Always

I will always be a daughter, regardless of whether or not I have a mother or a father. I am the daughter of THE Heavenly King.

Dear Mom,

Today will be the last day you will have that title in my mind. I'm sorry to say so, but its true. I thank you for giving me life, for not opting to end your pregnancy when you were young and unmarried. I thank you for caring for me. I thank you for the sacrifices I am sure you had to make as a mother.

That said, today I say good~bye. Well, truth be told, you said good-bye first.

The email you sent me today would have broken me a few years ago...and while my heart hurts, I will not be shaken or moved. I have not been the perfect daughter, in fact, far from it. Who is perfect? Only Jesus, and I am so thankful I know Him. I am sorry for the things in my life that I did wrong. I am sorry for not coming home till 4 am, for forgetting to pay my car insurance in college. I am sorry for all of those things.  

I'm not sure why today was the day you decided to say good-bye to me. I am not sure why you chose to remove me from your medical contacts so that I may not know how your surgery goes. I have been giving you the best I could since Tim left. I know that isn't much. I also know that you would tell me I chose this life, so to buck up and deal. And, I am. You should know that. When I left NY a couple of years ago, I had never been more broken. I'm still healing, but thankful I am in progress.

The things of mine that you have, that's fine. You may throw them away. Things do not define me. Nor do memories, awards, etc... Only Jesus does. Having a mother say good-bye to me will not define me. It will not change who I am. It will not stop me from parenting my kids the best I can, learning to be the best wife I can, and following Jesus as hard as I can. 

I am choosing today to forgive you. I forgive you for blaming me for what has happened in our family. You will never need to apologize, because I forgive you anyway. God has given me that ability. It is hard, and I will likely have to do it over and over again, but I will. I know that I have part in this family, and I have certainly erred, but I do not take blame for everything. There are many things that date back way before I was born. If you need me to be the cause, that's your choice and I forgive you for it.

So today, I say good-bye to you as well. I will pray for you. I will pray FERVENTLY that the good new of Jesus reaches you. I will pray for your salvation. And I will pray for your healing. Today, I say good-bye  to you; I was always fatherless, now motherless...but I have the Father in heaven taking care of me. And, He has blessed me. I have 2 beautiful children that I pray will not ever know the pain of being without parents. 

In Him I will live and breathe and move, and because of Him I will make it through any pain that comes my way. 

Love, Alicia Shepherd

 

Why Do What You Do?

Why do you do it? How do you do it? I don't know how you do it.

This week I have been thinking a lot about these questions. And, its not what you really think. It's not the "How do you do it with your husband deployed?" question. It's been more along the lines of why do you volunteer for the things you do? I often deflect this question with a joke about my inability to say no. (Which I will admit holds some truth,) I have struggled with these questions. There are times my kids are in the car, running around, to ensure we can get something to someone else. I wonder sometimes if I am sacrificing my time with them to serve others; I pray often for wisdom when it comes to that. In all honesty, I am so glad my children see the body of Christ move. I am glad they see people serving one another...but that is entirely another topic.

The question is: Why do I do what I do? Why be part of the Bible studies? Why make meals? Why take the phone calls? FB questions? and emails? People have been asking me that a lot lately. And not to hurt me, but out of genuine concern for me. They remind me that my husband, too, is deployed.

There are so many reasons; but today at church, it became so clear. What is my intended purpose in this life? It is to serve God by loving people so that more people may know who Jesus is. I could stand in front of a room for months and months and give lip service to Jesus...but if I (we, the Body of Christ) don't walk it out, and put into action what we believe, its all useless. In order to really show who Jesus is and share the GOOD NEWS of what He did for us, we must meet spiritual and physical needs. Can a hungry person hear the gospel as well as one who is fed? Can a person who is at their wits end with their children or marriage hear the message of the cross as one who has been given some relief?

If we really call ourselves believers in Jesus Christ, our lives should be transformed. The gospel should transform us, our Bible Study groups, our communities, our Army posts, our nation. It should not keep us in our churches and groups, safe and sound. It should push us out to serve wherever and however we can. Our Pastor today, said you don't have to cross the sea to be a missionary, rather you must see the cross. If we really see the Cross, how can we not be compelled to serve?

I frequently ask God what in the world He is doing allowing me to lead a Bible study? To be among such amazing women? To be allowed leadership? I am not just a broken vessel; there are days I feel shattered. I struggle with weight issues, I struggle with anxiety...and the list goes on and on. But, for some reason, He has given me this platform. And, I will use it to serve at every chance I get. Why? Because, I look around and see people that Jesus loves, I see people who do not know Him...


The better question...How can I not?